Piano Keys

!
You are the first poet that has made me cry.
That was the most beautiful thing I have read in a long fucking time.
That poem was perfect, I am jealous of how well you fucking write.
And everything I am thinking, and saying right now, is the truth.
Well fucking done.
I have to save this...

Kerplunk Girl:

!
You are the first poet that has made me cry.
That was the most beautiful thing I have read in a long fucking time.
That poem was perfect, I am jealous of how well you fucking write.
And everything I am thinking, and saying right now, is the truth.
Well fucking done.
I have to save this...

Seriously?

I'm very flattered. I'm blushing, even. Thank you... so much. Really.

It made you cry? Wow... I... Wow.

Lungs Not For Breath:

Kerplunk Girl:

!
You are the first poet that has made me cry.
That was the most beautiful thing I have read in a long fucking time.
That poem was perfect, I am jealous of how well you fucking write.
And everything I am thinking, and saying right now, is the truth.
Well fucking done.
I have to save this...

Seriously?

I'm very flattered. I'm blushing, even. Thank you... so much. Really.

It made you cry? Wow... I... Wow.

Seriously!
I don't know why no one else is commenting this, you much better than any other poet I have seen on GSB.

My fingers press gently to the
Keys, playing out melodies that only
Ghosts can hear.

That made tears come down.

First of all I think you make a typo. It’s spelled “Reverberates” and not “Reverbriates” .
Secondly I don’t really get your commas. You divide the sentences in a very weird way by using commas the way you do. Take the first stanza for example: “Dust, clouds the air, as my fingers, touch the piano keys softly.” What you’re saying here is that dust touches the piano keys softly and “clouds the air” and “as my fingertips” is just disjointed all and all together. I understand what you wanted to say but basically that sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be: “Dust clouds the air as my fingers touch the piano keys softly”. If you want a pause, and it looks like that’s what you were after, you could just have ended the rows where you put the commas, like this:
“Dust
Clouds the air
as my
Fingers
touch the piano keys softly.”
That’s the same effect only the sentence is now grammatically correct and actually makes sense.

Due to the way you put out commas I think that the poem’s flow feels off when red aloud. Personally I don’t think that the way you repeated a lot of words worked very well, it just got boring. Some sentences feel rather disconnected from the rest of the poem because you’re stapling short facts on top of each other. I think it feels that way mainly because of all of the commas and also because of the repetition. Try to use synonyms or other ways of describing things. Also, the last stanza feels really disjointed to me. Isn’t the person already dead? How can a ghost feel its body go numb? Haven’t a ghost already left its body? That makes the stanza weird and it doesn’t really sum the poem up in a good way because of that.

In a way it’s very pretty and I get this solemn feeling when reading it (except from past the sixth stanza). I think you’re wording (except from the repetition of course) is rather good. You choose good words and nice ways of describing the situation. So when taking that into consideration I kind of like the poem.

Personally I think that you’re not the best poet here on GSB because I personally think that others have come much further than you in their writing, but I still think that you’re good.

Now, I of course don’t have the right to tell you how to write. Nobody does. I simply want to give you some constructive criticism and tips on how I think you could improve. You don’t have to follow these tips but I’d be glad if you did because I think you’re talented and that you could become an amazing poet with a few improvements.

Kerplunk Girl:

Lungs Not For Breath:

Kerplunk Girl:

!
You are the first poet that has made me cry.
That was the most beautiful thing I have read in a long fucking time.
That poem was perfect, I am jealous of how well you fucking write.
And everything I am thinking, and saying right now, is the truth.
Well fucking done.
I have to save this...

Seriously?

I'm very flattered. I'm blushing, even. Thank you... so much. Really.

It made you cry? Wow... I... Wow.

Seriously!
I don't know why no one else is commenting this, you much better than any other poet I have seen on GSB.

My fingers press gently to the
Keys, playing out melodies that only
Ghosts can hear.

That made tears come down.

aw =] Thank you. I apoligize for making you cry.

What's in a name?:

First of all I think you make a typo. It’s spelled “Reverberates” and not “Reverbriates” .
Secondly I don’t really get your commas. You divide the sentences in a very weird way by using commas the way you do. Take the first stanza for example: “Dust, clouds the air, as my fingers, touch the piano keys softly.” What you’re saying here is that dust touches the piano keys softly and “clouds the air” and “as my fingertips” is just disjointed all and all together. I understand what you wanted to say but basically that sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be: “Dust clouds the air as my fingers touch the piano keys softly”. If you want a pause, and it looks like that’s what you were after, you could just have ended the rows where you put the commas, like this:
“Dust
Clouds the air
as my
Fingers
touch the piano keys softly.”
That’s the same effect only the sentence is now grammatically correct and actually makes sense.

Due to the way you put out commas I think that the poem’s flow feels off when red aloud. Personally I don’t think that the way you repeated a lot of words worked very well, it just got boring. Some sentences feel rather disconnected from the rest of the poem because you’re stapling short facts on top of each other. I think it feels that way mainly because of all of the commas and also because of the repetition. Try to use synonyms or other ways of describing things. Also, the last stanza feels really disjointed to me. Isn’t the person already dead? How can a ghost feel its body go numb? Haven’t a ghost already left its body? That makes the stanza weird and it doesn’t really sum the poem up in a good way because of that.

In a way it’s very pretty and I get this solemn feeling when reading it (except from past the sixth stanza). I think you’re wording (except from the repetition of course) is rather good. You choose good words and nice ways of describing the situation. So when taking that into consideration I kind of like the poem.

Personally I think that you’re not the best poet here on GSB because I personally think that others have come much further than you in their writing, but I still think that you’re good.

Now, I of course don’t have the right to tell you how to write. Nobody does. I simply want to give you some constructive criticism and tips on how I think you could improve. You don’t have to follow these tips but I’d be glad if you did because I think you’re talented and that you could become an amazing poet with a few improvements.

Wow. Thank you. Personally, I consider you very talented too, though I have things I'd point out on yours too. But thank you for that critisism. I have no idea why I put the comma's. Maybe I'm a comma freak? But yes, that does make sense. And now that you point it out, yes... the last stanza does seem off. I'll work on that. Again, thank you. I'm trying to take in everything people give to me as critisism, but it's so hard to do one thing and incorporate the other at the same time. You being more experienced at this though, I feel no offence. I will try working on this a bit more.

Lungs Not For Breath:

aw =] Thank you. I apoligize for making you cry.

It's okay.

Lungs Not For Breath:

Wow. Thank you. Personally, I consider you very talented too, though I have things I'd point out on yours too. But thank you for that critisism. I have no idea why I put the comma's. Maybe I'm a comma freak? But yes, that does make sense. And now that you point it out, yes... the last stanza does seem off. I'll work on that. Again, thank you. I'm trying to take in everything people give to me as critisism, but it's so hard to do one thing and incorporate the other at the same time. You being more experienced at this though, I feel no offence. I will try working on this a bit more.

You’re very welcome. I’m glad that you take the criticism so well since I just want to help. Thanks. Sure, no body’s perfect, you know . Sure, no problem. Perhaps, but I think you just didn’t notice it? I’m glad you’ll work on it because this could be such an amazing poem (and not just a good one). I know. It takes a long time before you really can use the tips people has given you the right way. It took me about half a year on this site to make any actual improvements from constructive criticism. Good because it’s never my intention to offend anyone by making this kind of posts.

Btw, you did realize that I think you’re one of the better poets on this site? Just not the “top 10” so to speak .

What's in a name?:

Lungs Not For Breath:

Wow. Thank you. Personally, I consider you very talented too, though I have things I'd point out on yours too. But thank you for that critisism. I have no idea why I put the comma's. Maybe I'm a comma freak? But yes, that does make sense. And now that you point it out, yes... the last stanza does seem off. I'll work on that. Again, thank you. I'm trying to take in everything people give to me as critisism, but it's so hard to do one thing and incorporate the other at the same time. You being more experienced at this though, I feel no offence. I will try working on this a bit more.

You’re very welcome. I’m glad that you take the criticism so well since I just want to help. Thanks. Sure, no body’s perfect, you know . Sure, no problem. Perhaps, but I think you just didn’t notice it? I’m glad you’ll work on it because this could be such an amazing poem (and not just a good one). I know. It takes a long time before you really can use the tips people has given you the right way. It took me about half a year on this site to make any actual improvements from constructive criticism. Good because it’s never my intention to offend anyone by making this kind of posts.

Btw, you did realize that I think you’re one of the better poets on this site? Just not the “top 10” so to speak .

Yes, I tend to be able to take critisism very well. I've had so much input in my poems, so I think I'm going to try and use it this time.

Really? Thank you. =] I hope to be in your top 10 someday. You're certainly in mine.

Ponder-ific Bitch:

Yes, I tend to be able to take critisism very well. I've had so much input in my poems, so I think I'm going to try and use it this time.

Really? Thank you. =] I hope to be in your top 10 someday. You're certainly in mine.

That’s a really good quality . Good.

Oh, yeah! Absolutely! I’m pretty sure you will be and probably soon too because you’ve got some skills. Thank you so much, that really means a lot.

What's in a name?:

Ponder-ific Bitch:

Yes, I tend to be able to take critisism very well. I've had so much input in my poems, so I think I'm going to try and use it this time.

Really? Thank you. =] I hope to be in your top 10 someday. You're certainly in mine.

That’s a really good quality . Good.

Oh, yeah! Absolutely! I’m pretty sure you will be and probably soon too because you’ve got some skills. Thank you so much, that really means a lot.

xD Thank you. =]

Oh, no problem. Why wouldn't you be? You're an amazing writer. Hopefully I'll be able to learn from you.

Yes. You are very talented, and I'm not going to offer a lot of criticism because What's in a Name totally said all of it. I just wanted to point out that the 2nd and 5th stanzas are absolutely beautiful.

Also, just a suggestion... but I would just knock out the last stanza alltogether. Ending on
Because I am the ghost,
The only ghost that can hear,
Me play.

But also maybe change "ghost" to a different word for the second time so it doesn't sound so repetitive.

Other than that, it's very good.

I like it, it has a very nice, maybe mysterious feeling to it as well.