Milk
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3741
  | February 26th, 2007 at 01:45am Enter Dreamland
The stabbing pain, a deathly deed
Our empty hearts, a shallow feed
Take me away from all this pain
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
Enter dreamland, the desired feel
Nothing exists, no one is real
When awakened, it will be gone
We still want it, the conclusion drawn
Eternal happiness, a deathly sleep
We can't awake, it is so deep
Lost in shadows, creative lies
Happy hello's, and belittle goodbyes
Bittersweet memories, reality draws
Our imminent bliss, our own cause
Love the numb, the insensitive side
Will we awake, once you deride? |
RunningCirclesRoundU
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 43 | February 26th, 2007 at 12:01pm I like it a lot. I has a good flow to it. |
Milk
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3741
| February 26th, 2007 at 12:41pm Thank you |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
| February 26th, 2007 at 12:42pm I'm not sure if you were meaning to do anything with meter, but if so, I would just tweak it a bit. Your poem flows really well, but I think it would be better if it had 8 syllables per line (as most of them are 8, anyway.)
The last stanza is awesome, especially the last two lines. I absolutely love it. However, I'm not so sure if it really fits the "Bliss" topic...
It seems kind of somber...
But I could just be reading it wrong.
Good poem! |
Milk
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3741
| February 26th, 2007 at 12:56pm Thanks for your critisism. I would never improve without it.
It's supposed to be sort of a numb, sickly sweet bliss... much like there is beauty in death, for example.
 I dunno I may be doing it wrong. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | March 3rd, 2007 at 06:31am The flow was really good, but at times it began to feel a little predicatable and flat.
And I liked your interpretation of 'empty' bliss that would come with death. I can see why you related it to the topic; in my own eyes death would of great comfort to someone who experiences great suffering and pain, and it would feel like bliss.
I especially loved the last stanza though. The rhymes were especially strong there was they weren't searingly obvious choices. Awesome. |
PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
| March 3rd, 2007 at 07:01pm i love it |
