igotsosickofcrying
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 3206 | March 10th, 2007 at 05:22pm Water seems dark
Black, like the sky
It aches my skin
Rips it apart
One light coming
A night of sorrow
All is mourning
A glimpse of gloom
Cold touch of tracks
Your face doomed
Closer to death
Apart from you |
spill_no_sick
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 31
Gender: -
Posts: 8588 | March 11th, 2007 at 12:37am you have amazing potential
don't get me wrong and think I just said this was amazing
but you as a poet are
you had a great idea (whether it was intentional or accidental) to have the last word in each line refer to the first word in the next line for most cases
you had some good techniques, but were used in a cliche manner
you used a lot of imagery where most people would use a lot of imagery, used a lot of stereotypical words for this genre
oh yeah, and the last line would read sooooooooooooo much better "further"
you will write terrifically in a few months, I can see it now |
