Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
 | March 21st, 2007 at 05:59pm Take this champagne promise,
And douse it upon the world.
This is just another lonely reminder,
That the hits you take,
The hearts you break,
Are the fading memories of what you once were.
The ever-lasting trust,
Which was never really there,
Has been mutilated and destroyed,
By the pure ignorance of your words.
How foul, says my lips, are the taste of yours upon my own.
The sickening stench of vodka on your breath,
Does nothing to help.
What a shame.
It has always suited you so well.
Feeling another rough blow,
I'm finding that your vengance,
Is just another way of saying "I love you."
Sadly, your love is too much,
And all feeling is suddenly lost.
It was once said that pain passes, but beauty remains.
This, in truth, is a lie. There is no beauty left within you;
Except for the tears that run down your pale face,
Sliding past that satisfied smirk you wear,
As your eyes rest on the sight you so grudgingly created
To quench your thirst for total destruction.
One last question falls from my blood-stained lips.
"Are you happy now?"
::::
I think there are a few kninks to work out still, but I'm not quite sure where.
Your opinion? |
serenade sarahh
Geek
Age: 89
Gender: Female
Posts: 152
| March 25th, 2007 at 11:12am That was truly amazing. I loved it. It's just so powerful.
<3 |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
| March 25th, 2007 at 11:19am Thank you. =] |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
 | March 25th, 2007 at 12:46pm It's good, but I'm not sure if I really like the rhymed couplets in the 4th and 5th lines of the first stanza. They just seem to really interrupt the poem and lead to nothing.
Other than that, I really like it! |
Blessed Catastrophe
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 67
| March 25th, 2007 at 01:31pm i disagree with "wait_what"
but they do remind me of that old police song
y'know, the
"i'll be watching you" song?
so if you ever decide to publish...
BEWARE THE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!
i think you could publish, it's awesome. |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
| March 25th, 2007 at 01:59pm serialgreendayaddict:i disagree with "wait_what"
but they do remind me of that old police song
y'know, the
"i'll be watching you" song?
so if you ever decide to publish...
BEWARE THE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!
i think you could publish, it's awesome. Thank you! =]
I'm thinking of trying to contact a publisher... But I'm not sure... |
