PONED
Geek
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 257 | April 15th, 2007 at 03:45pm yeahh criticize all you want. this one sucks soo much
___________________________________
I fell. I Fell way down
I went so deep
Down into the ground
And the fall was so steep
I crashed.I crashed so hard
It hurt like hell
Can't get up so far
This isn't going well
I burned. I burned so bad
My skin is red
This sight is sad
I'm better off dead
I Collapsed. Collapsed to the floor
I'm in severe pain
My body is so sore
I'll say God's name in vain
I cried. I cried so much
These tears make the pain worse
This pain in something you can't touch
And I'm sick of this curse |
SugarGreen
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 3369 | April 15th, 2007 at 05:08pm "I burned. I burned so bad
My skin is red
This sight is sad
I'm better off dead
I Collapsed. Collapsed to the floor
I'm in severe pain
My body is so sore
I'll say God's name in vain
I cried. I cried so much
These tears make the pain worse
This pain in something you can't touch
And I'm sick of this curse"
That part is not so good but the parts above it are okay. |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
 | April 15th, 2007 at 09:49pm I like. =]
Good structure. And wording. |
PONED
Geek
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 257 | April 16th, 2007 at 08:37pm thanks!! |
tomamazon
GSBitch
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 68084
 | April 17th, 2007 at 02:22pm I hate it tbh.
Its cliché.
The rhyming is somehow forced
And its repeatative.
=] |
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279 | April 18th, 2007 at 08:49pm okay, first off: if you want to pull off a rhyming scheme you have to do it right. Read your poem out loud, your rhyme pattern doesn't work. In fact, your scheme is almost...hard to say out loud.
Secondly: a poem takes time. You had an idea, but it seems like this would almost be the first draft of it. Likw IAMFIT said, it's a bit cliché. The poem itself doesn't have to be cliché. you just have to rework the wording. For instance, maybe think of another word for crash, and fall. Think of another word for ground....insert metaphors and detail. or make your poem blunt with an interesting format.
I wouldn't reccomend rhymes unless you really knew how to pull it off, though.
Keep writing! |
PONED
Geek
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 257 | April 19th, 2007 at 06:51pm okay thanks |
chump
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 7189 | April 22nd, 2007 at 07:51pm |
