Roisin-Marie
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 100
Gender: Female
Posts: 4955
 | April 20th, 2007 at 06:40pm I saw you yesterday with the kids you used to hate
What happened to your other friends did you ditch them yet again?
So slap me in the face and stab me in the back
Just forget about our past
I hope you have fun, make sure it lasts ‘cause this is the last you’ll hear from me.
I saw you yesterday with the kids you used to hate
What the hell ever happened to you?
Why have you decided to change?
You want people to like you but you’re going the wrong way about it.
To ditch your real friends for those snotty scumbags your priorities are a little messed up.
sorry this ones crap but i was wondering if anyone could give me any ideas of ways to make it better...and a name? lol please and thanking u! |
PONED
Geek
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 257 | April 20th, 2007 at 09:00pm pretty good. it could use just a little bit of work around the edges |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 86
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
| April 20th, 2007 at 10:09pm It's alright.
If I was to offer you help, I would say that you'd have to work on your structure. A LOT. And as I say to everyone, try to use METAPHORS. The honestly help a lot to create imagery, and this really needs it. But I did like the topic somewhat, and the wording was okay.
So just keep trying, and I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.  You've got potential. |
SugarGreen
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 3369 | April 21st, 2007 at 12:21am I tried revising it a little... see if you like this and change it around some more. Great topic! I'd keep the first line of the poem as the title.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw you yesterday with the kids you used to hate
What happened to your friends
did you ditch them yet again?
Slap me in the face and stab me in the back
Just forget about our past
I hope you have fun, make sure it lasts
I saw you yesterday with the kids you used to hate
What the hell ever happened to you?
Why have you decided to change?
You want people to like you
but you’re going the wrong way.
To ditch your real friends for those snotty scumbags
your priorities are a little messed up. |
Roisin-Marie
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 100
Gender: Female
Posts: 4955
| April 23rd, 2007 at 05:49pm awww thanks everyone for helping and taking the time for me.its very apreciated!!!!!! i think ill look over it again  |
