Memory Box

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I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Jackass
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 1019

Mibba
September 6th, 2007 at 03:35pm
Description, description.
Is it ever enough?
It seems everything you've come to know is now just a bluff.
No matter how many times you touch
It's just not enough.
The image is blurry and vague.
What caused this scornful plague?

Anger and hurt;
Sometimes you smile.
What do they look like again?
Oh yeah, now you can remember.
Memories are such a beautiful thing.

Open up the box and unlock the good old days.
The days of sunsets and sparkling water.
Now this beauty is just a picture in the mind.

Morose comes across every so often.
Isn't it expected?
It's kind of hard to imagine
When never neglected.

You feel that touch of a hand;
So soft and smooth.
Suddenly, it's alright.
This hand guides you through the day.
You don't necessarily need the array.

Frustration still sets it.
Isn't it expected?
Even with little neglect
There's something you can't detect.
Is it love, pity, or maybe just fear?
Whose fault is it?
Most certainly not yours.
You can't change the pass.
You shouldn't forget it completely.
Sometimes it's hard to pretend
When problems are staring you in the face.
You don't need to see them to know that they're there.
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Misanthropist
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279
September 12th, 2007 at 06:27am
Description, description.
Is it ever enough?
It seems everything you've come to know is now just a bluff.
No matter how many times you touch
It's just not enough.
The image is blurry and vague.
What caused this scornful plague?


Okay, the red stuff is stuff I thought REALLY needed some work. of course, the last two lines of the stanza were..um, not in my taste either, but I have a deep issue with rhyme so I'll let you be the judge of that.
First red- you used the word 'enough' in too close of succession. it makes you look uncreative, i don't know if it was intentional...but there are other words that could replace 'enough'. thesauruses are our friends.
The second red bit, the rhyme, it's too long. It's awkward. It made my mouth fumble around it whenever I tried to read it out loud. Also, I question your use of the word 'bluff'. Did you use it exclusively for the rhyming it provided? I mean, I get it. Everything he knows is a lie. But bluff? It seems like the wrong word.

Anger and hurt;
Sometimes you smile.
What do they look like again?
Oh yeah, now you can remember.
Memories are such a beautiful thing.


This stanza, honestly, made me cringe. It's just...rambling! It's babble. Either cut it out or figure out what you want to convey and put it eloquently.

Open up the box and unlock the good old days.
The days of sunsets and sparkling water.
Now this beauty is just a picture in the mind.


Now 'the days of sunsets' that's like some metaphor for I suppose 'the good ol' days' but honestly, the sun sets every day...you could really put it better.
And the last line was just awkward.

Morose comes across every so often.
Isn't it expected?
It's kind of hard to imagine
When never neglected.


I assume that has a typo, since it makes hardly any sense.

You feel that touch of a hand;
So soft and smooth.
Suddenly, it's alright.
This hand guides you through the day.
You don't necessarily need the array.


This may just be my style of English, but I've never heard array be used so...oddly before. It's usually something like an array of ____ not just "the array". I smell a cheap rhyme.

Frustration still sets it.
Isn't it expected?
Even with little neglect
There's something you can't detect.

Is it love, pity, or maybe just fear?
Whose fault is it?
Most certainly not yours.
You can't change the pass.
You shouldn't forget it completely.
Sometimes it's hard to pretend
When problems are staring you in the face.
You don't need to see them to know that they're there.


OKAY
wow. Um, first of all it was the most awkward bit of the whole poem. You tried to blend so many ideas in one stanza that it comes off unorganized and overwhelming. it confused me, to be honest. You used the world 'neglect' again. Your poem isn't particularly long, you should try never to repeat the same word unless you are repeating the same sort of phrase, you know, as a style of the poem.
You can't change the pass. I assume you meant the past.
Also, the rhyming was not continuous and the ending was sour.

Overall your writing talent needs to be maximized on. You need a lot of practice and need to learn to triple, quadruple check your work in as many ways possible. All it took was me reading it out loud twice to spot mistakes.
In the end, I didn't have any real clue what you were trying to say.
You could definitely improve on your structure and your style (I'll mention it again: your rhyming was too scattered). It might help to write something, let the ideas flow and then pick up the pen a few weeks later and try to organize it into a poem.
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Jackass
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 1019

Mibba
September 12th, 2007 at 03:50pm
In the first stanza, I understand the the 2nd sentence in red. It should be split up or something perhaps. I don't know.

Yeah, I suppose that stanza could be more eloquent. I'll try to edit it in some way.

What do you mean that it doesn't make sense? The "never neglected" part.

I don't really find using the word array in it made it a cheap rhyme. Once you understand what it's about, then it would make more sense. I'll explain at the end of this post.

I was, in a sense, using the same parts from above in a different way. Although I did kind of like it, I understand. Seems kind of unprofessional and a bit redundant. I'll see what I can do.

Yes, it was supposed to be past. I had forgotten that I posted this on here. I have already edited it, just not here. Thank you for pointing it out nonetheless.

I realize that the way I write might not be completely professional. It's just my style. Not always this way though. I think I will edit it up a bit though. How the lines are uneven does kind of bother me at times and come off at a little hard to read.

Okay, now the meaning behind the poem. Only one person who has read this poem was able to understand it's meaning. It is about a person who once was able to see, but because of reasons that aren't very significant, has turned blind. That was the point for some of the illustration or whatever you want to call it. Thank you very much for commenting this with such good editing tips and being honest. I don't want to be lied to.
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