Arcane-Inamorata
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 3278
 | February 25th, 2008 at 03:19am A monsoon rages,
Blurring my vision with its torrential rains,
Into a twisted illusion of reality.
No way to tell which direction,
I must turn.
The drops thrash the ground with hammering force
Deafening in their silence.
I cannot hear myself think.
I cannot uncover clarification,
To these lies I have laid out for myself.
Stale odors emanate from the atmosphere.
I cringe in horror and uncertainty.
Spitting the downpour from my mouth,
A bitter awareness of the pain and torment,
I have inflicted on those who have trusted me.
Those who now cannot look at me the same.
I feel their disgust.
Twisting and tearing at my insides,
Creating the storm,
I must now endure. |
miau
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 4469 | February 25th, 2008 at 12:20pm I like it a lot. Especially how you broke the rythm by making the third stanza two lines only, how you started two supsequend lines with "I cannot" in the second stanza and how these short sentences with I must, these kind of conclusions, are the end of the first and last stanza.
Overall, good work (except for the slightly stolen title, maybe. ;D) |
Arcane-Inamorata
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 3278
| February 26th, 2008 at 10:55pm Haha thank you. Yes, the title is a bit of a Tokio Hotel rip-off. But that's what inspired me so...
Oh, btw it was an English assignment and we had to have a metaphor about guilt and I used a monsoon as a metaphor lol. |
FrankFuckingIero
Jackass
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 1015 | March 10th, 2008 at 05:49am Pretty damn good. |
