Fate

AuthorMessage
missand
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missand
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 102

Mibba
June 11th, 2009 at 10:46am
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything that has happened in the past has somehow altered the future, depending on your religious beliefs you could say that your paths were set out long before you were created, or you could put it down to being in the wrong place at the wrong time or even a coincidence.
I don’t believe in coincidences anymore after everything that’s happen over the last two- three years. Somehow what happened at the time was very wrong, but now is very right because it created a better personal understanding of the world.

*

After going through a severe life changing experience of having a simple stomach operation to almost dying, it hit hard. It was supposed to a minor exploratory procedure which turned into a nightmare. After the operation and trying to come round from the anaesthetic the surgeon came and explained exactly what they had found, a massive cyst on my ovary which had burst and was luckily caught before it spread and poisoned anything. At the time I was only fifteen and had been told such a huge thing. At the time I didn’t think about it, but during the recovery process It was the only thing I had thought about.
It wasn’t just the emotional effects of the operation that had caused my life suddenly to be turned upside down. I had taken a lot of time off school because I couldn’t face anyone, I locked myself in my room and lay under my duvet from the minute I got up until the minute I had gone to bed. It was a spiral that was unintentional and now, regrettable. Because I couldn’t face people at school including friends and I became further and further behind in everything including the subjects I actually wanted to do well in. Months later I was finally back at school and nobody suspected that anything was or ever could have been wrong.

After the first year of realizing that I had almost died I had completely withdrawn myself from anything and everything. I had somehow put up a brick wall saying that everything was alright, it got easier and easier to fake a smile and look as if you were interested in what was going on- In reality I had no interest. Nobody noticed a thing and it made it easier to hide everything away, I no longer had a genuine smile because there was a dark cloud constantly hovering over my head. Eventually I asked for help. It was hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Even when I told the teacher who I trusted the most what was going on inside my head, she didn’t ask me to tell my parents myself, she did it which sort of softened the blow of the harsh reality I had let someone into my personal thoughts. It came down to telling the two people who I should have been able to talk to, nothing. I couldn’t talk to them because I didn’t think they would understand, I knew they would probably be so mad at me for not telling them but at the same time “ How are you supposed to tell someone how you feel, when you don’t really know yourself”

I didn’t want to live anymore which counted in a few attempts of taking my own life- now I see it as an easy way out, something that is so selfish. Even when I tried to overdose on painkillers and alcohol there was a sudden surge of regret when the light headedness crept in I tried to stop it. Call it cowardliness or something else, but the thing I dreaded most was my seven/ eight year old sister finding me like that. I couldn’t do it her when she had so much to look forward to when I felt as If I had nothing. Eventually I convinced myself that going to the doctor was what was best, she already had a prognosis and told me that I have a severe case of depression and post traumatic stress from the operation. It was good to finally have a name for the things I had been feeling. She sent me to a clinic that had professionals who could help me, the thought of telling someone else was embarrassing and honestly I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I feeling and the things that had let me right to this point, I didn’t want to tell someone else that I had thought so many times of committing suicide that I had everything planned when my parents were out. Rope wouldn’t hold me, painkillers weren’t quick enough and the razors were removed from the house.
I felt like a nobody that had been stuck in a dark hole. It was bottomless and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t pull myself up on the little lifelines that would appear, on a bad day I would want nothing better to do that punch someone’s lights out or to sit and just go to sleep and hope that I never wake up. I hated feeling like that and I wanted it to change. Things got so on top of me I started to drink heavily, my works night out was a complete disaster, one drink made me feel better and so fifths and sixths followed. By the end of the night, I couldn’t stand and couldn’t remember probably the important things I should have. When I started to sober up, I realised that alcohol dulls the pain for a short period of time, but doesn’t cure it.

Counselling helped but it wasn’t the main thing that helped me come to terms with the past. I had started going to spiritualist church out of curiosity, instead I got the answers to all my questions in ten minutes. The medium had brought my grandfather through, I never knew him but he validated everything he said and had also mentioned a few things that were going on my life that even my friends had no clue of. It helped me that even when I felt completely alone I wasn’t alone, that even a person I had never met was round about me and for some odd, crazy reason it did make a slight difference. I finally felt as if something positive was happening.

NOW

I’m not going to lie and say the depression is completely gone, because I don’t think it ever will be gone just brushed under the rug for a while. If I said sometimes on a bad day I’m completely fine and I don’t think about taking the easy way out, I’m a liar. Sometimes I do still feel like that and sometimes it’s hard to shake off, nobody knew about my illness until I was ready to tell the, now a few close friends know. I’ve started writing lyrics again that have changed so much, it’s not longer about the cliché punk ideology it’s more about situations in life that do happen but aren’t talked out- depression, suicidal- ness and the shame of it. It’s a very hard thing to admit to and it’s even harder taking that first step-asking for help but the road does become a lot smoother, you start to enjoy the things you had grown to hate and you finally feel as if your life is changing for the better.

As I said, I believe that everything happens for reason. The operation, the depression the aftermath has shaped everything and not in a bad way. By going through what I have, I’ve come to realize that you have to live every day as if it’s your last and that you have to go through certain things to have an experience or understanding. If it didn’t happen I would never have started writing the way I am, I would never have become a spiritualist medium in order to help people the same way I was. It’s crazy but it’s real, I never believed in it but I do. If the mess had never spilled out I would never have thought about doing depression management courses to become a certified counsellor- so maybe this was supposed to happen so I could do this all in order to help people, with music, bringing their loved ones and helping them realize that life’s too short and depression isn’t a music mainstream trend. It’s real.

Depression strikes every person at one point in their life. Some severer than others and sometimes the unlucky ones are the people who never got the chance to ask for help, depression isn’t something you should be ashamed of having because the experiences you have can help someone else.
Sherlock
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Sherlock
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June 11th, 2009 at 12:00pm
I am sorry that his happened to you and you had to live through the horrible after-effects.

That said, it is not necessarily 'fate'. Everyone learns from their mistakes, and it is the sad, horrible, painful things in life that make you grow as a person. It doesn't necessarily have to be that you life is mapped out for you. It's great that you have bounced back and that you feel this negative experience has influenced you in a positive way. I find it difficult to believe in fate, because who organises that fate? God?

And as for the spiritual healer? Have you ever heard of cold reading? Obviously if you never knew your Grandad, it would be easy to reassure you, even if you do know the person, 'spiritualists' or mediums, whatever they want to call themselves, are simply responding to your reactions, even if you think you weren't giving anything away, they are very skilled at picking up the littlest unconscious reactions.

I don't want to bring a downer on your post or anything, because at the end of the day, whether you believe that guy was genuine or not, he obviously did genuinely make a difference to your state of mind, and that's a good thing. I hope you can keep on drawing strength from writing songs and good luck with continuing to work through your depression. (:
SALVATION!!!!!!!!
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
SALVATION!!!!!!!!
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 13
July 24th, 2009 at 05:35pm
things happen for a reason,but things that happen lead us to the future Dance
paper shoes
This Board Is My Home
paper shoes
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 34269
July 25th, 2009 at 05:07pm
Ikarus:
I am sorry that his happened to you and you had to live through the horrible after-effects.

That said, it is not necessarily 'fate'. Everyone learns from their mistakes, and it is the sad, horrible, painful things in life that make you grow as a person. It doesn't necessarily have to be that you life is mapped out for you. It's great that you have bounced back and that you feel this negative experience has influenced you in a positive way. I find it difficult to believe in fate, because who organises that fate? God?

And as for the spiritual healer? Have you ever heard of cold reading? Obviously if you never knew your Grandad, it would be easy to reassure you, even if you do know the person, 'spiritualists' or mediums, whatever they want to call themselves, are simply responding to your reactions, even if you think you weren't giving anything away, they are very skilled at picking up the littlest unconscious reactions.

I don't want to bring a downer on your post or anything, because at the end of the day, whether you believe that guy was genuine or not, he obviously did genuinely make a difference to your state of mind, and that's a good thing. I hope you can keep on drawing strength from writing songs and good luck with continuing to work through your depression. (:
I agree so much.
bzuka
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
bzuka
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Gender: -
Posts: 7
August 5th, 2009 at 03:29am
i believe in destiny too,everything happens for some reason
The Doctor
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The Doctor
Age: 34
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Posts: 8786

Mibba Blog
August 5th, 2009 at 04:57am
I believe in the relative opposite.

That everything is accidental. That life is just accidental and all that occurs in it is down to free will and cosmic accidents.

Bit of a hippie.
Bad Advice Columnist
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Bad Advice Columnist
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 7
August 17th, 2009 at 03:24am
Harper Pitt.:
I believe in the relative opposite.

That everything is accidental. That life is just accidental and all that occurs in it is down to free will and cosmic accidents.

Bit of a hippie.


Awwww, were you an accident? That sucks knowing that when your mother saw the pregnancy test, all she could muster up was... F$%K
NIK JONUTZ
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NIK JONUTZ
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 24429

Blog
August 17th, 2009 at 03:27am
Bad Advice Columnist:
Harper Pitt.:
I believe in the relative opposite.

That everything is accidental. That life is just accidental and all that occurs in it is down to free will and cosmic accidents.

Bit of a hippie.


Awwww, were you an accident? That sucks knowing that when your mother saw the pregnancy test, all she could muster up was... F$%K
dude you're harsh
Comrade182
Moderator
Comrade182
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 10235
August 17th, 2009 at 04:26am
BillyJoezzz:
Bad Advice Columnist:

Awwww, were you an accident? That sucks knowing that when your mother saw the pregnancy test, all she could muster up was... F$%K
dude you're harsh

They're also unable to read stuff properly. When they say 'accident' they dont mean, 'Opps... I just dropped him on his head again' kinda accident. They mean that things just happen, there is no 'grand plan' as such.
chi0lea
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
chi0lea
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 31

Blog
September 10th, 2009 at 01:37pm
I believe in fate because it was fate that brought me with my fiance and you know you don't really think that fate would do that but it does. Cool
She Haunts Me
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
She Haunts Me
Age: 89
Gender: Female
Posts: 19
September 12th, 2009 at 01:14am
I believe in fate. I think that our fate has already been decided
emmers_91
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
emmers_91
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 30
September 12th, 2009 at 01:20am
i believe in fate, but i believe your fate changes when you take different paths.
your actions control what happens next......and when you do somethen else, it changes your future in some way...i guess

butterfly effect=fate
Rafael Nadal
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Rafael Nadal
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 11804
September 12th, 2009 at 06:25am
Dead Phoenix:
I believe in fate. I think that our fate has already been decided


yeah, i think we all have a sort of blue print of our life already planned out for us
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