Rise Of The New World

AuthorMessage
Doc Huckleberry
Geek
Doc Huckleberry
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 395
September 26th, 2011 at 12:12pm
I want to change this world of hate
I want to end the darker fate
I cannot let you get away
No matter what you have to say

I wish I could see the change needed
I have gone to them and pleaded
I rise my self out of control
and loose my one and only soul

I tried to live and cannot die
I lived a truth that was a lie
I have not had my own creation
till the New World Congregation
MAD CUNT
Basket Case
MAD CUNT
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 19799

Blog
September 29th, 2011 at 04:47pm
Don't take this the wrong way, but there are a whole lot of cliches in here and the rhymes are really basic. The syllables are a bit higgledy piggledy too. It's a start - 'the darker fate' is nice - but you might want to work on your clarity (how can you rise yourself out of control?). You've got ideas, you just might want to rework them into something a little bit more sophisticated and original.

On a spelling note, in the last line of the second stanza it should be 'lose' and not 'loose' - 'lose' is to lose a game or lose a possession, 'loose' is the opposite of 'tight'. Fizz
Doc Huckleberry
Geek
Doc Huckleberry
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 395
September 30th, 2011 at 11:31am
Thank you. This is one of the many reasons I put this on here. constructive criticism.
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