A Chump Full Of Almonds

This isn't mine. It's this guys...Steven Simon. He wrote it for English, like we all wrote one. But the teacher thought his was the best and he actually taught it to us while Steven did something else because he knew all the answers (duh because he wrote it.) And yes, I got his permission. So the credit goes to Steven Simon.

A Chump Full Of Almonds



As he walked into the kitchen, glad heatred yet tired
For it was only two in the morning
He sat down with a handful of almonds
And began to eat.
Confused and frustrated, he set back his mind to clear his thoughts
"There is something wrong," he always thought
He was ont married, and had neither children nore pets,
He was a lonely man out in the feild of Montana

There wasn't a human soul for miles
Not even the birds woudl stick around for long.
He grew crops for food
And pumped his water from an old broken well.
'I will grow almonds', he thought,
"Almonds will make me happy."
He was clearly dumb and bored with his own life.

He loved the wonderful almonds though,
Their sweet, wonderful cracking sound as they fell from the tree.
It was an old tree.
Only because it was so old,
Because it has been living for a long time.
It had 357 leaves.
He counted them every day.
Because he was so dumb, and the tree was not.
The tree had seven branches, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7.
Seven branches to be exact.
He counted them again, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7.
He wanted to make sure.
If a leaf ever fell, he would be the first to know.

He hated life and was never loved by anyone.
His parents died when he was a child;
His dad when he was three
and his mother four years later.
He feared women and hated men.
He was stupid to not have married,
But was considered weird in school.
No women loved him, no friend talked to him.
He used to be smart, he used to have friends.
He used to remember his name, but all was forgotten.
He remembers it started with and "A",
An "A" as in apple, as in agriculture,
As in anyone, as in all
As in alone
And also as in almonds.

To explain how much he loved almonds was like explaining
How the world was created
But also how it can be destroyed.
He raised and almond farm, yet he never sold one almond,
He files for food stamps, yet he can afford his foood.
He should sell his precious almonds and marry a beautiful wife.
He chooses not to.

His life contained almonds because it did.
Because it could,
Because it wanted to,
Because it had a choice to choose.
Almonds contained Almond Joy, a candy invented for addiction,
A sweet mint chocolate covered cream, delicious.
Not exactly an almonds itself, but one of his favorites.
Almonds kept his mind off her.
The delivery lady, known as Ms. Annie,who came to pick up almonds to sell.
Although he wouldn't sell any, she had faith in him.
"Someday he will sell to me," she thought,
"And I will love him."

He had dreamt about Ms.Annie, after her divorce of course.
She asked him to marry her.
That's when he woke up at two in the morning
and began to eat almonds.
Every morning at two he ate
Every night he had the same dream.
She was beautiful.
She was like an almonds tree.
She talked slow, yet a hundred miles fast at the same time.
Short, yet long dirty blond hair, witha body like a model,
In a uniform with a short, plaid skirt.
He wa afraid of women,
But how much she was afraid of him,
And yet she had the same dream about him.

Her husband soon after wanted her back, and of course
She fell for him.
Once again, he ate more almonds than ever before.
He thought a long while
That moment he let himself go, took and axe to the feild
And chopped down the almond tree.



It's MUCH longer, but this was how long the copy was the teacher gave us, and Steven left the original one at home. I had to write an essay about this...I just though it was about man who stopped feeling sorry for himself and decided 'Oh, I DO have a life.' See, we had to write poems in the style of Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, so if you haven't read it, you wouldn't know why he wrote it like that.

That's written really interestingly. I like it. =]

Wow!
That's amazing!

Yeah...there's ALOT of imagery and other stuff in the other half...He's a VERY talented writer, but he says the whole point to the poem was to mock Ray Bradbury. He says he wanted to write the dumbest story ever written. He also says that Ray Bradbury is dumb because he wrote a book about burning books...but the book was good...to me. He's gonna give me the full copy tomorrow, so I might post the rest...

He really did succeed. Makes much more sense now. *laughes*

What's in a name?:

He really did succeed. Makes much more sense now. *laughes*

Yeah he did. But you know what else is funny? The teacher thought he was serious. He was so overexcited about it, Steven called him a dumbass to his face.

Teachers aren’t too bright. They don’t know what irony is and they have no idea that babble and nonsense thrown together doesn’t mean that you’ve understood what you were supposed to do. Most of the time I make something up. I always get the highest grade though. Teachers are so easily tricked.

What's in a name?:

Teachers aren’t too bright. They don’t know what irony is and they have no idea that babble and nonsense thrown together doesn’t mean that you’ve understood what you were supposed to do. Most of the time I make something up. I always get the highest grade though. Teachers are so easily tricked.

He made us write a 5 paragraph essay on it. But it really does make sense if the whole thing were put together like it was supposed to. The teacher cut out some of the most important connections and that really made Steven mad...It made sense in a really senseless way. I hope that made sense.

And Steven said "I thinkhe should've figured out by now that it was a mockery. I mean, what idiot would (seriously) call it 'A Chump Full Of Almonds'?

And he says he's gonna do another 'mockery story' and it'll be about a wall or something...he's gonna have writing on it that says "Brick wall, waterfall, girl you think you know it all..."

I think by then the teacher will know he's not serious.

Yeah it did. ^_^

Steven rocks! I don't know if the teacher will get it. Maybe, maybe not. [/off topic]

Yes he does.

And the teacher will never get it. He never gets anything.

i lurb it