It's Time to Leave Paradise, It's Turned into Hell.

Okay...so I haven't written in a while but I came up with this last week. I personally don't like it all...it doesn't sound that...right to me. But I need some constructive critism on my writing because I really want to get better. Here it is:

The continuous melody of sound,
the grass covered in drops of pearl.
The reflection of the moon, casting light on dark.
Waves of unspoken wishes melted together in hot air.
The danger approaches without discretion,
creeping toward the unknown.

Stars dropping out of thick velvet,
covered over by clouds of gray.
Deceit wrapped up in supposed honest words,
a wicked view behind glass eyes.

The withered petals upon an innocent rose,
the bubbling aftertaste of mistake.
Sugar-coated lies hung out to dry,
a plastic shield trapping intelligence.

Cover peeling back to reveal burnt out beauty,
convincing rolls of guilt spiking the uninformed.
The air thick with arrogance, intermingled with jealousy.

Sick flames eat away at the surface,
it leaves behind dents, scratches and holes.
Scars too deep to heal over.

The deafening sound of silence,
the grass chewed into ruins.
The reflection of the moon invisible in murky sky.
Waves of unspoken cries, ringing out like sirens.
The danger sweeps by without discretion,
creeping toward the next unknown.

er...yeah...that's it.

You know, I would give you some criticism, but I honestly loved it too much. Maybe it doesn't sound right to you because you wrote it? I get that way with a lot of my stuff.

[Flawless Error]:

You know, I would give you some criticism, but I honestly loved it too much. Maybe it doesn't sound right to you because you wrote it? I get that way with a lot of my stuff.

Aw, thank you!

I love it.

Great use of metaphors by the way

Much better than the crud I come up with

I can’t put my finger on it but something’s just not right.

I like it a lot though.

I'd give some constructive critisism,
but I can't see what's wrong.

I think it was pretty good.

What's in a name?:

I can’t put my finger on it but something’s just not right.

I like it a lot though.

Thanks...and yeah, I think I still need to tweak some stuff here and there.

Joan of Arc of Suburbia:

I love it.

Great use of metaphors by the way

Much better than the crud I come up with

I've read your stuff, it's not crud . And thanks.

snowcherry:

I'd give some constructive critisism,
but I can't see what's wrong.

I think it was pretty good.

Thank you!

It might be because you need to rearrange some lines? I don't know. At first, I thought some lines were quite random but ... it's just amazing the way it is. Great metaphors.

I like it.