One candle in a room of darkness

So here we are awaiting our peril, gasping for air in a world filled with lies awaking from our worst nightmares. And yet the world would rather see us there trying to hold on for life. That’s what awaits all of us we step into a world unknown. As we all try to escape our new fear we try to understand the world around us. But there are monsters penetrating ALL of our minds.
What’s happening to us? Why are we getting so confused and scared when someone we love is close by? What’s wrong with this crashed world? Has it already shattered? Or is that our conscience believing all the lies we’re told? Well if that’s the case then we all shouldn’t believe all the lies we’re told.. As we try to hold on again our world get’s ripped apart by that one soul but he’s gone so we can live our lives the way they’re supposed to be.
And the walls of this small room are closing in and I can’t breath as I try to gasp for breath but instead the world goes BLACK As you wait for me on the street your razorblade romance cuts through my heart and it feels like it’s ripped out. But you don’t notice as I try to show you the things I will regret and what I always do. As you change your style and change your ways I still find a place in your heart. As I still try to get my world back to the way it was. But I can’t at all. So I try to think of what happened but my mind is throbbing from the pain of thinking of you and now I know I cry in the middle of the night. But now your back and my world is the same. But none of yours are so now I need to figure out what I should do. And now we live in a world we all do things we'll never live with. So now we live in a world with black clouds and underdogs becoming all that’s left. And you cannot kill what you didn’t create.
I KNOW IT'S NOT THAT GOOD. BUT POST YOUR COMMENT ANYWAY

I KNOW IT'S STUPID. RIGHT?

WAITING.............................OKAY I'M DONE WATING I THINK

Erm..try and seperate paragraphs or else it's more of a story.

And please don't write in caps.

And don't triple post.
Also,learn how to lay out songs. I can't be arsed to read that song because of the layout.

And you cannot kill what you didn’t create
Isn't that a Slipknot Lyric?

It’s ok as far as the content is concerned. As they said, the layout is horrible for a poem. Do not take lines from songs etc. (I’m not accusing you, just giving a tip). Try not to make the sentences so damn long. It only gets confusing, plus it looks dumb. Oh, and yeah, do not write in caps. Keep writing though and learn from your “mistakes”.

Sorry i'm really am you guys should tell me or I need to get on more often Sorry once again

I really can't write that well can I? Just tell me please.

The content is pretty damn good.
But as others said, the layout needs fixing.
What your going on about is great, so that's a great start.
Keep practicing and you'll get better.

camcloke:

The content is pretty damn good.
But as others said, the layout needs fixing.
What your going on about is great, so that's a great start.
Keep practicing and you'll get better.

Well said.

thanks guys um............... really don't know what to say about the poll oh well

what's layout?

endlessbindingsofTre:

what's layout?

The way you lay out your poem.

well if you want to read it i have an addition hold on

endlessbindingsofTre:

So here we are awaiting our peril, gasping for air in a world filled with lies awaking from our worst nightmares. And yet the world would rather see us there trying to hold on for life.

That’s what awaits all of us we step into a world unknown. As we all try to escape our new fear we try to understand the world around us. But there are monsters penetrating ALL of our minds.

What’s happening to us? Why are we getting so confused and scared when someone we love is close by? What’s wrong with this crashed world? Has it already shattered? Or is that our conscience believing all the lies we’re told? Well if that’s the case then we all shouldn’t believe all the lies we’re told..

As we try to hold on again our world get’s ripped apart by that one soul but he’s gone so we can live our lives the way they’re supposed to be.
And the walls of this small room are closing in and I can’t breath as I try to gasp for breath but instead the world goes BLACK As you wait for me on the street your razorblade romance cuts through my heart and it feels like it’s ripped out.

But you don’t notice as I try to show you the things I will regret and what I always do. As you change your style and change your ways I still find a place in your heart. As I still try to get my world back to the way it was. But I can’t at all. So I try to think of what happened but my mind is throbbing from the pain of thinking of you and now I know I cry in the middle of the night.

But now your back and my world is the same. But none of yours are so now I need to figure out what I should do. And now we live in a world we all do things we'll never live with. So now we live in a world with black clouds and underdogs becoming all that’s left. And you cannot kill what you didn’t create.

I KNOW IT'S NOT THAT GOOD. BUT POST YOUR COMMENT ANYWAY

It could possibly be laid out like that. But because it's your poem, do what the hell you want. xD

hold on i added things and redid it so hold on a sec

So here we are awaiting our peril, gasping for air in a world filled with lies awaking from our worst nightmares. And yet the world would rather see us there trying to hold on for life. That’s what awaits all of us we step into a world unknown. As we all try to escape our new fear we try to understand the world around us. But there are monsters penetrating ALL of our minds.
What’s happening to us? Why are we getting so confused and scared when someone we love is close by? What’s wrong with this crashed world? Has it already shattered? Or is that our conscience believing all the lies we’re told? Well if that’s the case then we all shouldn’t believe all the lies we’re told.. As we try to hold on again our world get’s ripped apart by that one soul but he’s gone so we can live our lives the way they’re supposed to be.
And the walls of this small room are closing in and I can’t breath as I try to gasp for breath but instead the world goes As you wait for me on the street your razorblade romance cuts through my heart and it feels like it’s ripped out. But you don’t notice as I try to show you the things I will regret and what I always do. As you change your style and change your ways I still find a place in your heart. As I still try to get my world back to the way it was. But I can’t at all. So I try to think of what happened but my mind is throbbing from the pain of thinking of you and now I know I cry in the middle of the night. But now your back and my world is the same. But none of yours are so now I need to figure out what I should do. And now we live in a world we all do things we'll never live with. So now we live in a world with black clouds and underdogs becoming all that’s left. And you cannot kill what you didn’t create. But yet here I am this deadly darkness swallowing my breath so no one can hear my scream in pain. My hopeless heart is fading, fading too far for my life to notice.

so what do you think now? does it still suck?

To tell you the truth, I love the context in general, but you need need need to make several stanzas to master your words.

dont write it in a big block like that. it makes me not want to read it