imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 21st, 2006 at 05:24pm You are so precious
to me and I hope you are
all right. You may be
my greatest weakness,
you ought to consider that.
You are so precious
and in my heart you
I keep but do not expect
it to show all the
time. |
Spirit Of '77
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 5024 | May 21st, 2006 at 05:42pm what the fuck? |
OMG, Shoes.
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 332 | May 21st, 2006 at 05:44pm Spirit Of '77:what the fuck? Spirit Of '77 captured it. xD |
Baguelle
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 2727 | May 21st, 2006 at 08:16pm Oops... I did Tré Again:Spirit Of '77:what the fuck? Spirit Of '77 captured it. xD
That pretty much sums it up.
I just don't
Like
How you
Separate your sentences
like that.
It's incomplete when you do that.
And it also seems like you're just ranting about whatever in all of your poems. There are no metaphors, which makes it quite uninteresting. |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
 | May 21st, 2006 at 08:28pm -_-' I liked it. I thought the form that you used was interesting. Some people here need to open up their minds... |
It Had to Be You.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 3593 | May 21st, 2006 at 08:29pm [Flawless Error]:-_-' I liked it. I thought the form that you used was interesting. Some people here need to open up their minds... Thank you for saying this. I was afraid to because I thought I was the only one.  |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| May 21st, 2006 at 08:31pm It Had to Be You.:[Flawless Error]:-_-' I liked it. I thought the form that you used was interesting. Some people here need to open up their minds... Thank you for saying this. I was afraid to because I thought I was the only one. Nah, you're not alone!  |
It Had to Be You.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 3593 | May 21st, 2006 at 08:32pm [Flawless Error]:It Had to Be You.:[Flawless Error]:-_-' I liked it. I thought the form that you used was interesting. Some people here need to open up their minds... Thank you for saying this. I was afraid to because I thought I was the only one. Nah, you're not alone!  |
imtwasidwelya
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 357 | May 21st, 2006 at 10:18pm It is a Haiku. |
Eliana Rampage
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1958 | May 21st, 2006 at 10:34pm ...
Okay.
I've been reading ALL your poems, since the first time you posted here, and I decided it's time to step in and comment.
If you're one of the idiots who ignores constructive criticism, this was a wasted post.
I think, you have potential. Fleeting, but existent.
It was kind of like when I was 12, I had potential but I had to...view it from a different angle in order to strike the gold and use it.
1) Vocabulary.
This is an extremely vital thing, and I don't care how you get a larger one; read, write more, look through a dictionary, do SOMETHING. Instead of "pain", write "calamity". I don't know. Do SOMETHING.
2) Metaphors. This has been said before, and is done quite easily if done correctly. Please, kid, take the words to heart and please use metaphors.
3) Length/Syntax.
As much as Haikus are interesting, people on GSN can't really read them. Write longer, try sonnets for that matter, but please, haikus can drive anyone insane. And also, your topics are just slightly eccentric. Try and think of something slightly more radical, maybe?
Please take these words to heart, they mean no offense.
--Eli |
