davey jones.
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 7018
  | June 3rd, 2006 at 04:22pm Okay I just wrote this. I'm not finished, I just need some criticism. I know for sure I'm going to improve it...I haven't written anything in a about a month, so...I'm little off. I just got this idea about letting your hesitation go...
Oh yeah, I got the title from a quote by Tennesse Williams. So credit goes to him for the title...it's just something that caught my attention...I just changed two words. It's use to be 'A Prayer Like This...'
Love Like This Is For The Wild At Heart, Kept In Cages.
Your naked soul exposes
And you suddenly find
There's no other way
To better say 'I love you'
Free, fresh, wild
The words that are your own
Flow from your heart
Your home
Your heart is the caged bird the singing
Your eyes wash over your thoughts
Like the cherished Pacific Ocean
That lap at the edges of your dreams
The vivid illusion of emotions
Elude all certainty
Itching to release your inhibitions
And speak the words on your lips
'I love you."
And this part : ...lap at the edges of your dreams
Well, I've done something like that before. I can't help it. When I get something that I really like, I stick with it. I don't reuse it too much....it's like a good song. When you like it, you listen to it over and over...or at least I do... |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| June 3rd, 2006 at 04:27pm I like that. 
Your heart is the caged bird the singing
Your eyes wash over your thoughts
Like the cherished Pacific Ocean
That lap at the edges of your dreams
I'm not sure what, but something about that stanza bugged me. Maybe it was the Pacific Ocean part; I'm not sure. |
[Your Best Mistake]
Idiot
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 551 | June 3rd, 2006 at 04:30pm Sehr gut! |
davey jones.
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 7018
| June 3rd, 2006 at 04:31pm Billie's_Fuckmonkey:Sehr gut!
Use English, please. |
[Your Best Mistake]
Idiot
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 551 | June 3rd, 2006 at 04:32pm Sorry. Very good! |
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538 | June 4th, 2006 at 05:43am That's beautiful. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | June 4th, 2006 at 05:43am I love it Prettiful. |
Skullivan.[Im Not Okay]
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 225 | June 4th, 2006 at 07:01am Beautiful  |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| June 4th, 2006 at 12:47pm I liked it but it looks to me as if you're missing commas in a few places.
Keep up the good work. |
