I'm the Girl All the Bad Guys want.

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GDgroupie
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April 8th, 2006 at 05:06pm
This is a thread for my made up story, I'm the girl all the bad guys want. So, go ahead and talk about it.

http://www.geekstinkbreath.net/fan/story/3410/0/ <-- thats the link to the story.
GDgroupie
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April 8th, 2006 at 07:44pm
PART 2 IS SUBMITTED!!
Madeluxx
King For A Couple Of Days
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Mibba
April 9th, 2006 at 08:07am
Oh coolio hulio, I just noticed the thread...me shall read now Smile
GDgroupie
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April 9th, 2006 at 06:17pm
woooohooo!!! madeluxx found it!!
Schuschnigg
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April 9th, 2006 at 07:41pm
whats it about
GDgroupie
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April 10th, 2006 at 02:42am
punky91:
whats it about


its basically about a girl whos about 19 years old, and she moved to emeryville, and then goes to gilman and meets frankito (tre's son) and then yeah.. meets joey and jakob and.. its just starting so i cant really say. but you should read it. Very Happy
GDgroupie
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April 16th, 2006 at 01:51am
Part 2 is submitted and now im waiting for it to be posted
Pickle
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Mibba
April 17th, 2006 at 06:26pm
Warning: I'm going to give you an honest review. If you think you can handle it, read on, if not, just ignore.

First thing I noticed was spacing. You should really break up your paragraphs. For one, your reader doesn't have this huge, intimidating block of words to focus on. Breaking up the bigger paragraphs makes it easier on the eyes and much easier to read. Break them up everytime someone knew talks or a different point is made.

Second thing. I just read your description of Nona. Be very careful into not making her a typical Green Day ff Mary Sue. Her description was detailed but just too perfect for this particular genre. My suggestion is to really do some flaw emphasis (Not a broken home or drug problem, but something you don't normally see in these sort of stories, like a fetish for tiny tea cup poodles or something, but nothing too wacky).

'Lil' Dixie Got Herpies' That's funny. I like it.

On the part about the government, unless you are going to really have that as a big part or are about to divulge in the information, it doesn't really fit. Let your character do the talking, not you or a CD.

Real in depth clothing details really take away. Focus on one thing that could be the staple for everything else. It is amazing what a pair of ratty black and white converse sneakers with tattered black and pink checker laces will do as compared to an Army jacked covered in pins over a black mesh top over a black mesh tank with a pair of black baggy jeans with chains dangling from the sides that accented the chain earrings on her well studded ears that held her purple hair in place. *Whew.*

Parenthesis () are not really needed, commas do the job perfectly.

When they get to Gilman, the sequence gets really bumpy and jerky. One minute they're in the car, then their in a fight with a bouncer, then there's arguing. Slow down, really take in the details.

Again, thick clothing details aren't really necessary. The Clash shirt would have been perfect standing alone.

Wink ? Not cool in a story, babe.

Hmmm, making out now. I didn't see a real build up, it seems fake to me.

Now they're hooking up.

The last bit of the chapter was very, very jerky. There was no flow to it. It was like you rushed right through it so it would be done and there is nothing to savor.

You're doing first person, which can get very tricky, but it has its advantages. The advantage is to really get inside Nona's head. The reader wants to really be in the scene so tell what Nona is thinking in a subliminal way. Not so much as 'This stinks' Nona thought as she walked down the road..... but something more like Nona walked home alone down the cracked pavement. She sighed at the monotony that had grown suppressing with each passing day. She was itching for a change, for something good. The whole place and deal had become rather pathetic to her. See the difference?

The disadvantage to first person is you have no control over the other players. You have to rely on Nona's thoughts which may not really show what everyone else is doing as she is only one person and cannot be invovled with everything. Be careful on it. I personally avoid first person for that reason. You are doing okay now, but don't get cocky on it.

Have Nona's name more often in the text. I had almost forgotten it by time I got to the bottom. Replace every other 'she' or 'her' with Nona or Nona's.

You have great grammer and spelling though. Good job. Fresh kudos to you! Not many on here have that.

All in all, I think you really do have a strong foundation, but you need to really think about your plot, characters and actions.

I hope you did not take any of this in a negative time as it was not ever meant as such. It was meant as helpful and honest. I hope you use it and your writing improves. I hope to see more from you.

~ Pickle
Pickle
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Mibba
April 19th, 2006 at 09:50am
I understand that, but preplanning your story can save you a lot of kinks in the process later on. What you had would have been a great rough draft to ponder on for a week or so until you got your full character profiles and plots. Let me know when you do something.... I may want to check it out.
GDgroupie
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April 19th, 2006 at 10:32am
sounds like a plan
GDgroupie
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April 21st, 2006 at 09:12pm
Image
thats my graphic!!!! woot
GDgroupie
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May 7th, 2006 at 12:58am
OK!!! PART TWO IS SUBMITTED AND POSTED!!! read it! muwahaha
Banach95
King For A Couple Of Days
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Mibba Blog
May 7th, 2006 at 04:15pm
I just found this one... I like it... and will keep an eye out for new chapters Smile
TresFine
King For A Couple Of Days
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May 8th, 2006 at 04:11pm
ok i might read it
GDgroupie
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May 17th, 2006 at 03:29am
cool ^^
Cinder24
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June 10th, 2006 at 11:11am
any chance of an update?
GDgroupie
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June 10th, 2006 at 07:25pm
Cinder24:
any chance of an update?
soon, im working on part 3 right now, as well as 2 opther stories soo... im workin on it!!
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