Drenched

I decided to use a 5,7,5,7 syllable pattern, I love the way they sound.


Im Creeping,...crawling,
and dreadfully far from home.
Am I truely lost,
or destined for the untold?

Im dragging,...Falling,
into a pool home to dreams.
Do I let them Sink,
or float to what we can't see?

Should I choose to float,
will I ever come back down?
If I start to sink,
what's to say that I won't drown?

Im Neutral...resting,
and not so distant from home.
What is it I want?
Perhaps it's better unknown...

I love that. I really liked the third stanza.

I love!

It made me think about uncertainity of your future but you get the feeling it's going to be monotonous.. just me though

"I'm Creeping,...crawling,
and dreadfully far from home.
Am I truely lost,
or destined for the untold?"

^Really great stanza, it obviously took talent, thought it may appear simple.

"Im dragging,...Falling,
into a pool home to dreams.
Do I let them Sink,
or float to what we can't see?"

^Simply amazing. Word choice = brilliant.


"Should I choose to float,
will I ever come back down?
If I start to sink,
who is to say I wont drown?"

^The flow seems fine but when I read the bolded line it doesn't sound right.

"I'm Neutral...resting,
and not so distant from home.
What is it I want?
Perhaps it's better unknown..."

I think this poem deserves a better last line because and ending is very important.

Although you have just seen me correct a lot of things, don't be discouraged, the poem was very beautiful and original.

Thanks Guy, I really appreciate your feedback.


and Ella, I agree on the bolded line, it flows well, I think it's just something about the word drown the way I used it. Drownded isn't a word, did I use the correct form? I think I did, maybe it just sounds funny

I_worship_tre_Cool:

Thanks Guy, I really appreciate your feedback.


and Ella, I agree on the bolded line, it flows well, I think it's just something about the word drown the way I used it. Drownded isn't a word, did I use the correct form? I think I did, maybe it just sounds funny

I just read it again, and I think that line might sound better "who is to say that I wont drown.

I_worship_tre_Cool:

Thanks Guy, I really appreciate your feedback.


and Ella, I agree on the bolded line, it flows well, I think it's just something about the word drown the way I used it. Drownded isn't a word, did I use the correct form? I think I did, maybe it just sounds funny

I don't see no other explanation..

high_on_juicy_fruit:

I_worship_tre_Cool:

Thanks Guy, I really appreciate your feedback.


and Ella, I agree on the bolded line, it flows well, I think it's just something about the word drown the way I used it. Drownded isn't a word, did I use the correct form? I think I did, maybe it just sounds funny

I just read it again, and I think that line might sound better "who is to say that I wont drown.

That would break my 5,7,5,7 pattern though and throw off my flow

What about
If I start to sink,
what's to say that I won't drown?

I_worship_tre_Cool:

high_on_juicy_fruit:

I_worship_tre_Cool:

Thanks Guy, I really appreciate your feedback.


and Ella, I agree on the bolded line, it flows well, I think it's just something about the word drown the way I used it. Drownded isn't a word, did I use the correct form? I think I did, maybe it just sounds funny

I just read it again, and I think that line might sound better "who is to say that I wont drown.

That would break my 5,7,5,7 pattern though and throw off my flow

What about
If I start to sink,
what's to say that I won't drown?

Yeah, that sounds good.
Or if you still want to, you can say "who's"....But that definitly works.

I think using "that" made is sound more like something that would be spoken, and makes more sense aloud. Thanks for your help

Yeah.

Sure. Anytime. ^_^

Im Creeping,...crawling,
and dreadfully far from home.
Am I truely lost,
or destined for the untold?

This stanza is awesome. Nice alliteration in the first line. I also love the way you used the word dreadfully. It fit very very well.

Im dragging,...Falling,
into a pool home to dreams.
Do I let them Sink,
or float to what we can't see?

This gave a nice sort of dreamy feel to it. I had the word, but then I lost it.

Should I choose to float,
will I ever come back down?
If I start to sink,
what's to say that I won't drown?

I love the rhyme in this one. It sounded really nice and I fell in love with it the first time I read it. Great provocative questions there, too.

Im Neutral...resting,
and not so distant from home.
What is it I want?
Perhaps it's better unknown...

Nice ending here. It's sort of like knowing that you want something, yet not quite knowing what it is.

Overall: It's awesome.

Sweet Mary Magdalen!

*LOVES*

It's great.

Should I choose to float,
will I ever come back down?
If I start to sink,
what's to say that I won't drown?

My favorite part. <3

Nice.

Finally a poem that doesn't confuse the hell out of me...

I didn't even notice the exact pattern
I realized it was there....but I didn't pay too close attention

but yeah, great job with that too

Thanks Guys

I LOVE IT! GREAT JOB! ^_^

Im dragging,...Falling,
into a pool home to dreams.
Do I let them Sink,
or float to what we can't see?

That verse was totally cool.