Overshaded

The shadow left.
He was tired
Of being seen
In the same light.

Now he's independent
And overshaded

The shadow left.
No longer restricted
To the form
Of the one he serves.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

The shadow left
To be free
In sixteen hours
Of light a day.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

The shadow left
To be independent
But is still
A shadow.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

Now he's independent
And overcomplicated.
Now he's independent
And overrated.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

I know you've already seen what I think, but Im trying to encourage others to actually critque poems.

The shadow left.
He was tired
Of being seen
In the same light. I like the syllable pattern, it creates a nice flow. I like the metaphor going on as well, a shadow is a good way to describe someone who is neglected or ignored. "..being seen in the same light" I really liked that part, it completed the metaphor well and was a good comparison to being misunderstood.

Now he's independent
And overshaded

Switching up Stanza pattern's is a good thing to do as long as you don't change every stanza, that sounds..bad.

The shadow left.
No longer restricted
To the form
Of the one he serves.

Comparing A Shadow and what it's a shadow of to a person and the trends and views they feel like the need to except was excellent. It was simple, yet conveyed your point really well.


Now he's independent
And overshaded.
Ah, now I see what you're doing with the Stanza pattern, and it's a good thing.


The shadow left
To be free
In sixteen hours
Of light a day.
That was also a great metaphor. Despite where or what you do, you're still part of society, or in a shadows case, stuck in those sixteen hours a day.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

The shadow left
To be independent
But is still
A shadow.
That was more of what was said in the last Stanza, I don't think this one was needed.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.

Now he's independent
And overcomplicated.
Now he's independent
And overrated.

Rhyme can be done, and be done well, as it was there. People shy away from rhyme to much, when really they just need to learn how to use it, as you obviously have.

Now he's independent
And overshaded.
I like ending with the repeated Stanza, it's powerful.

Mmmmmm repetition and simplicity and a rhyme scheme that doesn't make me nauseous. Very effective, thought provoking. You keep the central theme grounded in the image of the shadow, but also leave the idea just out of reach.

Is this the one you wrote with the dried up pen?

I love how the meaning was very straight forward, but it seemed really repeatative, which I think was the point of the poem. But honestly, I got kinda bored reading it.

Oh here it comes, another Nick poem. The type I love dearly but can't put my finger on it for the review.

First I'll mention the repetition of;
"Now he's independent
And overshaded."

It's obviously what makes the poem going, it would not be the same without it I have to tell you that. And, it's simple, yet deep; two lines captured a lot, apparently. You sure know what you're doing.

"The shadow left.
He was tired
Of being seen
In the same light."
^To me, that stanza was extremely powerful. The message. The perfect start. Marvelous.

"The shadow left.
No longer restricted
To the form
Of the one he serves."
^I just love what you did with this entire poem. The relationship you expressed between man and his shadow. The way I understand it the shadow represents a part of his life, so meaningless and little, yet so important. But I'll cut the jabber.

"The shadow left
To be free
In sixteen hours
Of light a day."
^I love it. Why do I love it? In other cases it would be redundant, but here; although it may not have any special meaning, it fits perfectly.

"The shadow left
To be independent
But is still
A shadow."

"Now he's independent
And overcomplicated.
Now he's independent
And overrated."
^And here you tell us everything, here you show us what a remarkable poet you really are. You end it just as great as you started it and wrote it all the way through.

The short lines make it dynamical, your flow is excellent.
The subject - completely original.

You have proven yourself once more, mister. And you bet I want to see more of that wonderful talent in the future.

I read this on the reccomendation of Kitti, I always did think she had good taste.

I won't try and give a fancy evaluation because I know little about the introcate mechanics of poetry, I judge things on face value and this was great. I'm a sucker for simplicty and this pushed all the right buttons.

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

spill_no_sick:

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

PFFT.

You couldn't write something bad if you tried.

Ella:

spill_no_sick:

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

PFFT.

You couldn't write something bad if you tried.

I bet I could
I bet I have

spill_no_sick:

Ella:

spill_no_sick:

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

PFFT.

You couldn't write something bad if you tried.

I bet I could
I bet I have

I wouldn't say bad. Maybe...underdeveloped ideas?

Kitti:

spill_no_sick:

Ella:

spill_no_sick:

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

PFFT.

You couldn't write something bad if you tried.

I bet I could
I bet I have

I wouldn't say bad. Maybe...underdeveloped ideas?

not undercooked
overcooked (burnt

spill_no_sick:

Kitti:

spill_no_sick:

Ella:

spill_no_sick:

aw....I actually blushed at your reveiws

thanks, I haven't written anything decent in a while
it feels good to hear that you all like it

PFFT.

You couldn't write something bad if you tried.

I bet I could
I bet I have

I wouldn't say bad. Maybe...underdeveloped ideas?

not undercooked
overcooked (burnt

ah, it happens...
If I can burn water, surely every poet can overcook their ideas once in a while.
On the other hand, too many drugs pose problems too.

I'm not going to try and review this, as others already have. But I will say that I found this poem absolutely incredible. Everything fit together really well and I don't think anything could have been put better. Very nice.

Hardcore Panda!!1:

I'm not going to try and review this, as others already have. But I will say that I found this poem absolutely incredible. Everything fit together really well and I don't think anything could have been put better. Very nice.

thank you!
I tried to redo some stuff, but I knew if I overworked it then it would turn out bad as opposed to mediocre

i liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did think it was a little repetitive, but in this instance it worked, with the short sentences. It seemed to flow well, which is always a good thing.

To me it’s boring. In my opinion it doesn’t create an atmosphere so to speak. It’s just sentences. Also it gets very repetitive. I guess you meant for it to be that way but I just think it doesn’t work. It’s original though and you have obviously put both time and effort into it. That’s worth a lot. You did say a lot with few and simple words and that great as well. So still, good job, even though I didn’t care for it much.