Sanity Sustain Me
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| Milk King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 3741   | I haven't wrote in awhile, this one isn't done... but it's as done as it will ever get. Sanity Sustain Me Like the tears of a thousand eyes One will only wonder what ahead lies Bittersweet thoughts of death Hold the gun to my head and take my last breath When you can’t take anymore When you're sure it’s over and done Take a knife to your throat Ask yourself who has won? Of course there is one thing I cannot heed Sanity sustain me, merciless greed Misery enjoys my company Yet one day I will be set free When you can’t take anymore When you're sure it’s over and done Take a knife to your throat Ask yourself who has won? Dance this dance on tables of hate What controls your moves is only fate Whispered silence, one and only The dance of death is oh so lonely Slashing through the midnight air Asking yourself ‘Is it fair?’ But you know that’s not true Life was never fair to you |
| Kitti Falling In Love With The Board  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 5688 | Like the tears of a thousand eyes One will only wonder what ahead lies Bittersweet thoughts of death Hold the gun to my head and take my last breath While I love the idea of numbers, multiples, and reflections in poetry and it's a great way to open a poem/song/whatever, I think you set yourself up for a trite rhyme scheme. That made your first stanza a bit cliche, but the last line really did it--the bit about the gun. How about alluding to the gun, but not saying it outright? Talk about the metal, how cold and smooth it is against your temple or something. When you can’t take anymore When you're sure it’s over and done Take a knife to your throat Ask yourself who has won? Oh, hey, it looks like a song now! This stanza has great rhythm, but the flow is mediocre. The words are perhaps not the best to describe the idea, but the idea is great in that it's taking an unclear stance--is the lyrical voice going to kill itself? Who does win when you kill yourself? Great way to introduce serious conflict and still be subtle about it. Of course there is one thing I cannot heed Sanity sustain me, merciless greed Misery enjoys my company Yet one day I will be set free I noticed now that you keep changing your rhyme scheme, but only by about one line at a time. Intentional? It works. I hate rhyme scheme, but if you can change it up, it reminds me a little less of limericks, which is good. The bolded line really blew my mind--the slight alliteration with sanity and sustain made the line really smooth, and the lines are all solid within the stanza. When you can’t take anymore When you're sure it’s over and done Take a knife to your throat Ask yourself who has won? Hey, it's the other rhyme sceme again! Repeating this stanza is powerful. It's an echo of the conflict, that's great. Dance this dance on tables of hate What controls your moves is only fate Whispered silence, one and only The dance of death is oh so lonely Tables of hate. Bravo. It's an expression I haven't heard before, but I can see it, it fits and it's effective. The thought of the last line seems to trail off though. I'd recommend ending the sentence less abiguously or at least adding punctuation to affirm that it is, in fact, the end of the sentence and stanza. Slashing through the midnight air Asking yourself ‘Is it fair?’ But you know that’s not true Life was never fair to you First line is gorgeous. But I don't know what's slashing, so pretty lines don't matter. Is what fair, and what's not true? Ending a poem with a lot of questions doesn't usually work. You can keep ambiguity without asking rhetorical questions at all--use metaphors, allude to things and you won't confuse people unnecessarily. Overall, pretty decent. Is it a poem, or a song? |
| Milk King For A Couple Of Days Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 3741 | Kitti:I'm not sure whether it's a poem or a song, but as I said, it's unfinished or it would be much better. |
| Inari King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 37 Gender: Female Posts: 2538 | I really liked that. I fell in love with these lines: Dance this dance on tables of hate What controls your moves is only fate Whispered silence, one and only The dance of death is oh so lonely |
| Emily-Cool Falling In Love With The Board  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 6657 | I thought it was pretty good! im not gonna critic evry verse but Slashing through the midnight air - thats a really good line, i really like it  |
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