Jigsawess
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 2640 | July 3rd, 2006 at 08:26am Okay, I wrote this for an English story (in the form of a diary) that I'm doing about a girl and her friends who go to see the Beatles when they toured Australia in 1964... and because it was Paul McCartney's 22nd birthday (and the main character- based on myself- is a huge Paul fan) when they toured, she writes him a poem for his birthday. Here it is.
My roses are shriveled
My violets are wilting
My sugar is bitter
But in this whole world,
you are my angel.
Your aura is my rose,
your song is my violet.
Your smile is my sugar,
and you are my true love.
Ever since I heard that sweet music
"Love, love me do..."
you should know that I've loved you
and now I never get blue.
So Paul... thankyou.
I'm not so sure about the first bit. I want a word that sounds a little less ugly than 'bitter'.. any ideas?
Comments please =) |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
 | July 3rd, 2006 at 09:04am Maybe tart? 
The poem is simple, and for a story it should work quite fine. The only part I didn't really like was the end line "And now I never get blue". The rhyme made it sound silly. Maybe you should change that one and leave the lines around it to create a more interesting rhyme pattern. |
Jigsawess
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 2640 | July 3rd, 2006 at 09:21am Yeah... I didn't really like that bit either, but I had no ideas, so I was just like "Fuck it". But now someone else thinks it, I realise it probably should be changed... I'll try think of something now.
Thanks =) |
rollerpig
GSBitch
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 62283 | July 3rd, 2006 at 09:54am Hardcore Panda!!1:Maybe tart?
The poem is simple, and for a story it should work quite fine. The only part I didn't really like was the end line "And now I never get blue". The rhyme made it sound silly. Maybe you should change that one and leave the lines around it to create a more interesting rhyme pattern.
I agree  |
Jigsawess
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 2640 | July 3rd, 2006 at 09:58am TreCoolIstSoGeil:Hardcore Panda!!1:Maybe tart?
The poem is simple, and for a story it should work quite fine. The only part I didn't really like was the end line "And now I never get blue". The rhyme made it sound silly. Maybe you should change that one and leave the lines around it to create a more interesting rhyme pattern.
I agree
Good, it's settled, I change that bit.
=) |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| July 3rd, 2006 at 10:08am Paul McCartney? |
rollerpig
GSBitch
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 62283 | July 3rd, 2006 at 10:10am Ella:Paul McCartney?
-checks ava-
Yep ..
He's awesome  |
Jigsawess
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 2640 | July 3rd, 2006 at 07:29pm TreCoolIstSoGeil:Ella:Paul McCartney?
-checks ava-
Yep ..
He's awesome
You couldn't have said it better  |
