Lost_Cause_For_A_Catalyst
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 21 | October 24th, 2006 at 09:15pm Chorus/First Verse
What if the knife slipped accidentally. Who would be the one to blame?
Would the blood fall for sorrow. Or for the shame.
Maybe this time Im not wrong. I live in a world where I dont belong.
2nd Verse
Her hands were shaking she couldnt breath.
The pain inside of her took over me.
With every word I said.
I basically put more bullets through my own head.
What if the knife slipped accidentally. Who would be the one to blame? Would the blood fall for sorrow. Or for the shame.
Maybe this time Im not wrong. I live in a world where I dont belong.
3rd Verse
You might as well just turn away straight edge princess.
Before you make it worse.
Dont try to understand.
Because you'll get cut first.
What do you think? Did you like it. Comments please. |
Matt Smith
Admin
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 31134
  | October 24th, 2006 at 09:47pm The Edge isn't about self-harm.
I kind of don't like the way you tied the two together. |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
| October 25th, 2006 at 08:21am Yeah. There was another poem that seemed to be similar to this that said something about a straight-edge princess, and neither of them made sense as to WHY the 'princess' was edge.
Other than that, this poem/song is very cliche. Even though you threw in the 'straight-edge princess' it's still about self-harm over a significant other and it's been done a million and one times. The rhymes are old and common.
The emotion is there, but nothing else really is. I do have to say that the first verse is the best one, though. |
paper shoes
This Board Is My Home
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34269 | October 25th, 2006 at 09:12am I don't know, it sounds like it could make an okay song for some underground band. |
Lost_Cause_For_A_Catalyst
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 21 | October 25th, 2006 at 08:47pm i dont know how it could be cliche. maybe if you knew why i wrote this you would understand. |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| October 25th, 2006 at 09:01pm OneMoreDrummer:i dont know how it could be cliche. maybe if you knew why i wrote this you would understand. Why you wrote it has nothing to do with whether or not it's been done before. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | October 26th, 2006 at 09:57am Electrocore Panda.:OneMoreDrummer:i dont know how it could be cliche. maybe if you knew why i wrote this you would understand. Why you wrote it has nothing to do with whether or not it's been done before.
Just because there's a 'reason' for writing something doesn't mean it's not old and outdated. You can convey the same meaning through metaphors and images, not just cliches about knives and blood. And being straight edge has nothing to do with 'cutting'. |
