Whay cant you hear me screaming?

A nasty car crash
the doctors say,
It happened on a sunny day,
not a cloud in the sky,
Now I wonder if I might die.

In a coma,
Intensive care,
no-one I know has visited there,
The doctors cannot hear my cries,
Now I wonder if I might die.


I hear them,
They can’t hear me,
They cannot hear my plea,
please don’t turn of those machines,
I’m going to die, so it seems.


I feel the needles in my skin,
please don’t put anymore in,
I’m feeling better,
but you don’t see,
what your about to do to me.

The doctor’s finger is on the switch,
he doesn’t know the little hitch,
I’m still very much alive,
I let out a silent cry,
a few seconds, the I'll die.

The doctors have seen me twitch,
his gloved finger is off the switch,
I've opened my eyes, I can see,
The doctor let out a shocked cry,
It seems I’m not going to die!

any comments|?

I really like it!

i LOVE it!!!!!!!!!

like it muchly.

Thanks guys!

Rhyming is forced and cliched. There's no emotion in it; you can't write about a car crash as matter of fact as the poem reads.

Don’t comment just for the sake of commenting. Say why you like/dislike the poem. Give constructive criticism if you can. Don’t just try to get your posts up. Also, try to know what you’re talking about. If you really do like/love this so much you clearly know nothing about good poetry.

Now about the poem. It’s too repetitive, unoriginal, and banal and the rhymes are forced. Plus you have (a lot of) spelling and grammar mistakes.

A nasty car crash
the doctors say,
It happened on a sunny day,
not a cloud in the sky,
Now I wonder if I might die.

In a coma,
Intensive care,
no-one I know has visited there,
The doctors cannot hear my cries,
Now I wonder if I might die.


I hear them,
They can’t hear me,
They cannot hear my plea,
please don’t turn of those machines,
I’m going to die, so it seems.


I feel the needles in my skin,
please don’t put anymore in,
I’m feeling better,
but you don’t see,
what your about to do to me.

The doctor’s finger is on the switch,
he doesn’t know the little hitch,
I’m still very much alive,
I let out a silent cry,
a few seconds, the I'll die.

The doctors have seen metwitch,
his gloved finger is off the switch,
I've opened my eyes, I can see,
The doctor let out a shocked cry,
It seems I’m not going to die!


You should proofread and edit your poems before posting it. Try using metaphors and either poetic wording or grand words. To make a rhyming poem good take skills so why don’t you try free verse? It’s much easier. It will hopefully make the flow better too. Don’t use a word over and over unless it is to create and effect. Use synonyms or just keep from writing the same thing more than once or twice.

(Underlined words are repeated words. Bold words are corrected words)

Thanks for the comments, I'll make sure I check my poem's more.

You're very welcome! You do that, and good luck in the future!

Thanks for all the help

No problem. Just, don’t revive old poems .

I don't like it.
Its just..forced.