Storm King

This is something I wrote a couple of years back, and I thought I'd post it, since I'm being really non-creative at the mo. It's really not that good

Storm King

Lightning flashes through the dark,
Slicing through the night skies.
Telephone lines broken in a shower of sparks,
The rain falling like the tears the Earth cries.

The Storm King rages through the night,
Leading a path of destruction in its wake.
Destroying everything in sight,
Sparing no thought for the lives it takes.

At dawn, the Storm King flees,
Away from the light cast down from the sun.
Strewn across the ground are fallen trees.
The King has left, but the damage is done.

24/07/04



Remember, nothing is changed from what I originally wrote. And I wrote this ages ago.

Was it really that bad?

it's bad but not so bad no-one reply, see, i cudnt do better so its not all bad.

^idiot *sighs*

No it's not bad. It's quite good. You shouldn’t have used the ABAB rhyming scheme though. It’s so limiting and it’s hard to keep to the subject and maintain a good flow. You did keep to the subject real nicely but the flow is off. You use real good imagery even if some of the wording is quite simple. Try free verse next time and I’m sure you’ll do great.

I liked it. I thought the 'Storm King' idea was awesome - really. I think that ABAB can work, if you write with an even number of syllables in each line. I just wanted to say that, because I know a lot of people just say 'try free verse'. There are always ways to improve your rhyming.

But overall... I thought it was good. Since it's been a few years since you wrote it, you could always re-draft it now you have more experience, and make it into something special.

She’s right about the rhyming. Only thing is that it is much harder.

Yeah, Ellen, free verse isn’t always the solution even though it’s a better start. But then again, you can’t get better at rhyming if you never do it

thanks guys. I personally quite like rhyming, but I agree it's really very difficult to stay on-topic when finding rhymes. I also love free-verse but I'm not sure it's right for the poem. I just feel it needs a structure, a skeleton to rely on. I might try an make it ABCB though, it'd be a tad easier and flow better.

I really don't like the flow at all, so I'm thinking of rewriting very soon, when I get any spare time.
I love the idea of the Storm King too (if I don't sound too self-proud) and it'd be really nice to have managed to transform ideas to words into something beautiful.

Thanks again guys, and your comments are great and your ideas wonderful.

I actually really liked that, especially the first stanza.

thankies

Bad Wolf:

thanks guys. I personally quite like rhyming, but I agree it's really very difficult to stay on-topic when finding rhymes. I also love free-verse but I'm not sure it's right for the poem. I just feel it needs a structure, a skeleton to rely on. I might try an make it ABCB though, it'd be a tad easier and flow better.

I really don't like the flow at all, so I'm thinking of rewriting very soon, when I get any spare time.
I love the idea of the Storm King too (if I don't sound too self-proud) and it'd be really nice to have managed to transform ideas to words into something beautiful.

Thanks again guys, and your comments are great and your ideas wonderful.

Wanna know a secret? I love poems that rhyme brilliantly because I find that a bit more poetic and actually more skilled. Unfortunately those are rare

The easiest would be to rhyme: AXAY BQBZ. (You know, when just every other row rhymes.)
Why not try that? It’s a good start if you love rhyming poems and want to learn how to do it. That way it’s easier to keep to the topic, since you don’t have to think about words all the time, and it will be easier to make it flow well. Plus it’s easier to avoid forced rhyming. Also, if you do it good, you will have this nice rhythm in the poem which free verse lacks.

You’re very welcome. We do our best to give handy tips . Right, Ellen?

Ummmm, yes.

*pauses*

I like to help.

Don't forget, you don't have to take any notice of us. If you feel you're getting on okay then that's fine, but I like people giving me constructive criticism, so I've always thought others might appriciate it.

No, I mean yes, I love any comments on anything I produce, positive or negative, because I can really learn from them.

In class we once had to give some little comments on a book report each of us did, and afterwards a girl came up to me and told me that she really appreciated the help and the ideas I gave her and it made me feel all warm inside .

Thanks you guys for evrything you've been saying. I do plan to improve the poem the best I can in the future, and I believe with the help you've given me I can really manage to produce something decent.

















God, I'm such a sucker. And I'm loving it.

I’m the same as you guys. I want constructive criticisms because it is very inspiring. So I always give it to everyone here.

*Nods* That’s right, Ellen. Our words are not law, Bad Wolf. Just some tips if you want them. But you knew that

You’ve already managed to do that, dear. And I bet your poems will be even better in the future.

By the way. I don’t know if this helps you with the rhyming but I’ve put my rhyming poems in my journal for you.
Maybe you can get some inspiration or something?

Have great fun writing!

Link to the poems