Never Said

I have now fixed it up after using everyones advice. Is it better?

She looked the man in his eyes.
Could I ever love you?
Would he ever love me?
She couldn't bare the truth.

Is this really the end?
She wiped her bleeding mascara off.
Why did I even trust him?
When he said "accident" she only could scoff.

If he had really loved her,
Then why can't she feel it anymore?
It is all going down
And now there's only this war.

It aches in her heart
And shoots in her mind.
She was told this impart
When he considered her blind.

That's what he wanted
But still he didn't quit.
She didn't appose
And didn't comment.

All she wanted: to hold him again.
It could never happen.
Everything was reaching it's end.
She knew she had lost this war.

Til death do us part
They both spoke in their turn.
I would've never said that part,
If this was what I was getting in return.


This is really different from something I've done before. However, I like it. I'd love some feedback. And if you don't like it, please don't put me down by saying it was stupid. It's called "helpful critisism." I rather not have all you try to crucify me.

COMMENT ON MY GODDAMN POEM PLEASE! Stop just looking at it.

Its really awesome. I love it!!!!!!1

I didn't really like it.

I didn't think your concept was translated well into a poem. I think you should get some better descriptions, imagery and flow.
But, I mean, it wasn't terrible or anything, I just think it needs a lot of work.

Well, honey, you still have some work head of you but you’re definitely on the right way.

She looked the man in his eyes.
Could I ever love you?
Would he ever love me?
She didn't want to know what's true.
It begins well. The italics part works fine. The last line makes the flow rough however.

Is this really the end?
She wiped her bleeding mascara off.
Why did I even fucking trust him?
When he said "accident" she only could scoff.
The first two lines I really liked. They are quite good. I don’t think you should use a swear word in a poem if it’s not absolutely necessary. Keep to the register, which in this case shouldn’t include swearing. The rhyming worked ok though. Not blunt or forced.

If he had really loved her.
Then why can't she feel it anymore?
It is all going down.
And now there's only this war.
I like the wording of this stanza. That you didn’t rhyme perfectly was good too. It works well in this poem. You shouldn’t have used the full stops like that though. There could have been a comma in between “her” and “Then” to make it flow more smoothly.

It aches in her heart.
And shoots in her mind.
She was told this impart.
When he considered her blind.
You don’t need full stops hear at all, except for at the last row. That would create a better flow. Anyway, I like this stanza the most. It has great wording, nice imagery and the rhyme works just fine.

Or at least he hoped she would be.
But she saw it in the venue
Of their once home.
There's no way my life can continue.
Here the flow is completely off I’m afraid. The rhyming is a bit blunt too. The stanza is too simplistic overall.

She grabbed a knife out of the kitchen
Wanting to end this whore's life.
It was her selfishness that did it.
What you did wasn't right!
I’ sorry to say this but this stanza is only cliché. I liked the third row though.

All she wanted: to hold him again.
It could never happen.
Everything was reaching it's end.
She knew she had lost this war.
This stanza I like. Once again you’re being poetic, maintaining a good flow and using good metaphors.

"'Til death do us part."
They both spoke in their turn.
I would've never said that part,
If this was what I was getting in return.
Again. Some blunt rhyming and rough flow. You tied all stanzas up and ended it well but not in a partially poetic/original way.


Overall I think that it’s good but it contains too many rough parts. It’s very good for your first try however. You’re doing well and I think that your next poem will be better and so on and so on. Soon you’ll write awesome poems me thinks .

I've changed the poem after reading everyones helpful advice. Thank you all so much.

Is it better?

Yes it is. Nicely done. (Now move on. More poems are to be written by your hand XD)

Ha, lol. Thank you for checking it out again. ^_^ Now I just need a little inspiration on what to write about.

Hmm, I have an idea.

Why of course ^.^