Drunkard
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1221 | November 12th, 2006 at 07:31pm Intoxicate my vains
Until im numb
Intoxicate my tounge
til i bite it, blood red
Please you know i want to
even though my mind isn't clear
Please, just tonight
i promise not to remember tomorrow
Fill my lungs with your fire
that everlasting poision
Fill my hunger
with your nicotin stained touch
Please, they can't see us
I promise you will love it
Please, i know you too well
I know you want to.
mm.. i needed to get it out. just some emotions from the weekedend. what do you think? |
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279 | November 12th, 2006 at 11:11pm I liked 'with your nicotine stained touch' that part was cool. Also, 'fill my lungs with your fire'. However, I think it needs some major work, I think you could make the repeat of 'please...' that you have better if you dropped the whole verb repeat on every line, ex: toxicate my veins, until I'm numb, toxciate my tongue, til I bit it, blood red.'
er, does that make sense? |
Drunkard
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1221 | November 13th, 2006 at 01:22pm toxicate, i meant alchohol. seeing that it is poision your drinking, so your toxicating your self. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | November 13th, 2006 at 01:35pm It has a lot of potential, but it didn't quite work. Some ideas were good, like 'nicotine stained touch' and 'fill my lungs with your fire'
And it's 'intoxicate'. Not toxicate. |
The Kill
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 8449
 | November 13th, 2006 at 01:35pm It's really good, but instead of "toxicate" I think the word is "INtoxicate" =] |
Drunkard
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 1221 | November 13th, 2006 at 01:36pm i knew it! i knew it was intoxicate , but my dad argues with me until i changed it.. i knew i was right  |
