Don't Want To Be Immortal

Please let me know what you think!

Standing on the edge of reason now
Looking out on a new journey
I no longer have all the time in the world
What I do have is dissapearing quickly

I could just keep standing here
And wait for something to come my way
But I guess it's better to look around
'Cause not all that comes wants to stay

Will I wait here forever?
'Cause that's not very long at all
And I don't want to be immortal
So my only choice is to fall

(chorus)
I promise I'm trying to convince myself
That what you're saying is true
But the cry of reality cannot be ignored
And I refuse to silence it for you
No matter how blunt your words are
They still manage to hurt my ears
I finally see that I'm not at fault
'Cause you gave me all my fears

Looking down at the abyss
Would I find myself inside?
The darkness masks all good and bad
But that's where the future hides

Memories and dreams all seem the same
I live in a subconscious state
The sun blots out all my options from here
So I'll stumble blindly towards fate

I wish you could see what I do now
But I'll have to describe my world
It's a shame you don't understand me now
But you should get my point through words

(chorus)

I like it. A lot. Lyrics are hard to write and you’ve done a great job. I love the imagery and I think that you rhymed quite well.

I did discover some forced/blunt rhyming though which you might want to work on:
“way, stay” “all, fall” “inside, hides”

The rhyme “stay” is a bit forced. The row is a bit rough when read because you had to rhyme. Also it’s a ver banal rhyme.

The “fall” rhyme seems to be just a filler.

With the “inside, hides” rhyme it’s the way you choose to phrase it (in the last row).

That’s all I guess. Personally I think there could be some minor tweaks at some points but it’s your song, so it’s up to you. You’ve done a good job no matter what. Keep on writing

I happened to agree. I liked it a lot and it all worked pretty well. Stay and way are pretty common rhymes but it wasn't as bad as someone else couldn't made it. At least it made some sense.

Will I wait here forever?
'Cause that's not very long at all
And I don't want to be immortal
So my only choice is to fall

That was probably my favorite line. Put together very well.

Good job altogether. ^_^

Thanks very much to both of you- I really appreciate it! I agree that the rhymes are a bit forced, and I will work on that. Thanks again to both of you!

"Memories and dreams all seem the same
I live in a subconscious state
The sun blots out all my options from here
So I'll stumble blindly towards fate"
..............LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<3

Rotten:

Thanks very much to both of you- I really appreciate it! I agree that the rhymes are a bit forced, and I will work on that. Thanks again to both of you!

You're welcome. Keep working on it and keep writing great lyrics!

"Will I wait here forever?
'Cause that's not very long at all
And I don't want to be immortal
So my only choice is to fall"

You know... I'm close to tears. I've been thinking about this so many times but never got a good poem out of it and guess who reflected it all straight to my face?
YOU!
THANKS.
AMAZING.

I like it alot! I'm not even that bothered by those 'forced rhyming things' :] I think it's good, you can still work on it though, it's up to you..

I really liked that.

Memories and dreams all seem the same
I live in a subconscious state
The sun blots out all my options from here
So I'll stumble blindly towards fate

That verse really spoke to my heart.

Lissie!:

"Will I wait here forever?
'Cause that's not very long at all
And I don't want to be immortal
So my only choice is to fall"

You know... I'm close to tears. I've been thinking about this so many times but never got a good poem out of it and guess who reflected it all straight to my face?
YOU!
THANKS.
AMAZING.

It honestly means so much to me to hear you say that. I'm really glad you can relate, 'cause I was feeling pretty isolated when I wrote this. Thanks!

Thanks also to Inari and GREAT SUCCESS- I really appreciate both of you liking this lyric.