Who are you?
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| mybassgoesdirntdirntdirnt Geek  Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 150  | |
| [Broken Pretty] Idiot Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 572 | |
| mybassgoesdirntdirntdirnt Geek Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 150 | |
| Misanthropist Post Whore  Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 23279 | Who are you? this sick, twisted thing you do just drives me further and further away can't you see my fading self? or are you blind like everyone else? You are not the one i know This thing as changed you the one who has saved my sanity from all my family's miserys. I'm not the same girl you know She had died years ago with all my mixed thoughts what the fuck is going on? Bottle after bottle Night after night war plaugeing my mind Thanks alot, your soo kind. How can you not see? What this is doing to me Mother, you need to end it Before You lose me completly okay, the stuff in red I liked, or thought could sound good in a better context. Overall, I didn't really like your poem. It was okay, not terrible or anything, but certainly not in my taste. For one, I rarely like swearing in a poem and I think that line of thought can be translated much more intelligently and direct. Also, I think this bit could be reversed a bit: can't you see my fading self? or are you blind like everyone else? You are not the one i know This thing as changed you Perhaps, you could cut out the noun 'you' in one line or maybe two.  i think that's all I have to say, basically it's the same advice I give everyone: work on it and it will always get better.Unless it's already perfect, and those poems are few and far between. |
Options
Go back to top
Go back to top
