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OK, this is my first poem I've ever written, so don't be too cruel. And I think I'm going to change the ending at some point.


She lies in her bed staring at the ceiling
Trying to ignore all that she's feeling
Running from the pain, looking for salvation
She's completely lost all motivation
No one can see the horrors in her mind
Every moment is spent keeping everything inside
She's decided to finally end it all
She thinks she has no farther to fall.
She's prepared herself to leave this earth
Her soul is prepared for its own rebirth.
As the blade caresses her pale skin
She watches the thin red line and starts again.
Death is looming within sight
As she can finally see the light.
Tears stream down her face as her actions are grasped.
What have I done? is all she can rasp.
Her life lies crimson on the cold bedroom floor
Why did she think she couldn't take any more?
Her vision is beginning to fade to black
This is just the result of the courage she lacked.
Her strength is decreasing as she closes her eyes
And comes to accept her untimely demise.
She was only sixteen, she had so much life
But it all ended with just the blade of a knife.
The shining silver clatters to the floor
As her mother comes walking through the door
All she can do is watch from above
To see what she has caused to the people she loves.
She thought that suicide would end all her pain
But it's only brought so much more to be gained…

I quite liked:

She's decided to finally end it all
She thinks she has no farther to fall. and

Her strength is decreasing as she closes her eyes
And comes to accept her untimely demise.

I thought you should find another word for 'prepared' here:

She's prepared herself to leave this earth
Her soul is prepared for its own rebirth.


Er, overall you picked quite a common topic for your first poem, and when it's common it's really important to keep it unique. I think you have talent, because some parts did flow very well. others, seemed a bit choppy so I reccomend reading it aloud to yourself when rhyming. Personally, I think that you could write really well on a subject with more options of style and descriptions. A cutting poem can only go so far. But, good job.

i like it.

Misanthropist:

I quite liked:

She's decided to finally end it all
She thinks she has no farther to fall. and

Her strength is decreasing as she closes her eyes
And comes to accept her untimely demise.

I thought you should find another word for 'prepared' here:

She's prepared herself to leave this earth
Her soul is prepared for its own rebirth.


Er, overall you picked quite a common topic for your first poem, and when it's common it's really important to keep it unique. I think you have talent, because some parts did flow very well. others, seemed a bit choppy so I reccomend reading it aloud to yourself when rhyming. Personally, I think that you could write really well on a subject with more options of style and descriptions. A cutting poem can only go so far. But, good job.

Wow, I didn't even notice the "prepared" thing. So of course now it seems so incredibly obvious.

I didn't exactly "pick" the subject...well, I guess subconsciously I did, but I didn't just sit down and say "OK, I'm going to write a poem about suicide," or even "I'm going to write a poem." I just randomly started writing and came out with the first six lines or so...

Options of style? Such as? [Sorry, but I REALLY want to write more poetry and I want as much advice as I can get.]

But thanks a lot for your comments.