Chosen Tears
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451  | Chosen Tears The chronic obscurity only seemed to increase the wars which she waged on herself. As thoughts collided into a mess of a martyrs motto, she personified confusion in such a sad little cliché. Rain from within stained her bleak cheeks with cascades of rainbow colored dreams. Forever fading. And sickly gazes rested upon twisted morals, distorted by several half empty bottles throughout the years. What is the worth of a life captured in lyrics written by the hands of strangers? She does not know. There are times when labels grow excessively limiting, and hers had become some number too small. Chasing shadows while running in circles is all she can do now; as her feet trip over themselves. The search for a route out of line ended in wrong steps tiredly stumbling into another trend. It's so sad. A story unchanging, only with different names, makes such a predictable ending. Underestimated or simply overrated this one mould character falls into duplicated abysses. And so she tumbles. Doubts adding up, banality weighting down. But perhaps intentionally blackened wings broke on purpose makes a better alternative, than none at all. The veil of nights upon the world is after all to prefer when the only option seems to be contradicting ideals of the modern society. Rrrright! I want feedback!  If it’s good be specific. What is good (and why if you can think of a reason)? If it’s bad, constructive criticism. This goes for the whole poem as well as the separate stanzas of course. Thank you! |
| new.slang Idiot  Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 764 | What's in a name?: First bold line- I think that is wonderful. I think it was worded in a simple enough way that it get the point across without trying to dance around it. Second bold line- I didn't really care for it. I thought it sounded a little forced. In general I like it a great deal. It was lovely and obviously well thought out. I thought the message was touching and I've read it a few times.  |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Thank you  In what why did the second bolded line sound forced to you? What about it was forced? |
| FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921 | I have to agree with new.slang about that one line. I think maybe it's just the fact that it's too much of a mouthful? The wording seems a tiny bit awkward as well. Other than that though I must say I rather enjoyed the poem. It was quite beautiful.  |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Thank you. Why is the wording awkward? If you would rewrite that line you’re speaking of, what would it look like? |
| FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921 | |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Yeah, you’re right. I couldn’t see that XD It’s an ok term and you can think.  Is this better? Chasing shadows while running in circles is all she can do now; as her feet trip over themselves. |
| FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda King For A Couple Of Days Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 2921 | Yeah, that would be better. Perfect now.  |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | |
| Misanthropist Post Whore  Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 23279 | Rain from within stained her bleak cheeks with cascades of rainbow colored dreams. Forever fading. And sickly gazes rested upon twisted morals, distorted by several half empty bottles throughout the years. I loved that part oh, and the last stanze, that was good too. You have a very good way with words, and a talent with using vocabulary. As for critiques: tiredly stumbling into another trend. It is so sad.  that's the only part (in the red) that I kind of thought could be left out. I'm sure it fits better when said aloud, and it's more a personal opinion rather than an objective criticism. |
| Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days  Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | I definately agree with Misanthopist. I really didn't think that 'It is so sad' worked well. You could rephrase it. Or use It's instead of It is. It sounded too formal and forced. I loved; 'The veil of nights upon the world is after all to prefer when the only option seems to be contradicting ideals of the modern society'. That was just awesome. I felt that a few lines were broken apart, and didn't need to be, to the point of making little sense, especially ' But perhaps intentionally blackened wings broke on purpose makes a better alternative. Than none at all'. I don't they should've been split up. Otherwise, it's awesome. |
| new.slang Idiot Age: 34 Gender: Female Posts: 764 | What's in a name?: Yes, I couldn't quite think of what would make it "fit"- but that was it! I love it. |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Thank you and thanks for the help. And thank you all for the feedback!  Ginger Nuts: First of all, thakies ^_^ Second, I don’t quite get it  Which lines shouldn’t have been split up? And what do you suggest instead? |
| Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | |
| What's in a name? King For A Couple Of Days Age: 36 Gender: Female Posts: 2451 | Oh, I get it now  I changed the “than none at all” part because you’re right. It doesn’t look good broken apart and doesn’t quite work. Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll keep “forever fading” the way it is though. Because it’s not only her dreams that are fading, it’s her entire life, her existence. That’s why it is the way it is. But thank you anyway, dear ^^ |
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