Cherry Blossoms [iv]

Part 4 of the poetic series. I'm really experimenting at the moment, so it isn't very good.


And an intricate angel is what she shall have, blessed
with bloodshot eyes beaten senseless by sleep deprivation.
There's vodka on his breath and in his soft, rasping
vocals; she's warm, ever so warm, cocooned in the fires
of his frenetic, dancing touch.

The lurid, midnight sky was illuminated only by the hollow
glow of the streetlights, and the pounding rhythms of
the world below the concrete.

It was nothing but static to her delicately tuned ears.

'This is a poisonous part of town. A beautiful girl
like you should never see such atrocities at this time
of night...'

Oh, how ignorant is he; horror cannot be befall her
liquid eyes, but can easily bleed through the traces of
her hidden, feathered wings. Only once he knows her
secrets will he be able to guide his fingers along every
single vertebrate, and taste the magic beneath her skin.

"Pretty sweetheart, the streets will contaminate you
before you could even try to fight back. If you'll let
me I'll take you somewhere so much safer, if you'd only
tell me your name...'

If only he weren't speaking with a such a soft, alcohol
induced whisper. But never the less, his heart is
undoubtedly pure and his mind achingly true.

This angel has a name, and her name is Sakura;
sweet as blossoms.


Have edited a few things. Nothing major.

Anyone??

I love it. The structure is fantastic, the wording perfect and I just love it.
The only thing is the last two stanzas. I don’t know - they just seem kind of “off”.

If only he weren't speaking with a such a soft, alcohol
induced whisper. But his heart is undoubtedly pure and
his mind true.
The bolded part is the problem. It’s just too straight to the point and
simplistic in comparison to the rest of the poem.
Maybe that’s why it doesn’t quite fit in.
Perhaps you could rephrase it?

This angel has a name, and her name is Sakura; sweet as
blossoms.
A bit blunt but I think it could work if it wasn’t for the structure.
In my opinion the comma isn’t needed. Or you could remove
the “and”. Also I would put “sweet as blossom” on the same row.
Dividing it feels choppy.

Some examples:
This angel has a name, her name is Sakura;
sweet as blossoms.

This angel has a name and her name is Sakura;
sweet as blossoms.

This angel has a name. Her name is Sakura;
sweet as blossoms.

It’s just what I think though. You do as you please with your poem.
And except those minor things I adore it because it’s truly awesome

Thank you. I'm taking it all on board, and I'll have a look at changing it.

I wanted a few lines to sound a little blunt, to use the poetic imagery but to get my main point across from time to time, if that makes sense.

But yeah, I do agree with what you said about the last line. I will change that.

You’re welcome

Ah, I see. Well, if you just change the last line (like you said you would ^^) I think the one I put in bold will work better.

^_^

Oh my how I love your wording.

Nice use of alliteration too.

Other than that I'm not quite sure what to say other than I loved it.

Good that you edited it. It looks even better now. Brilliant

wow thats really good. the wordings really smooth too.

i really like it.

dance to this beatxx:

i really like it.

Please read the rules. You have to say why you like it or what you like about it. otherwise I have to go around deleting you post because they’re spam.

Thank you guys.