Vampires

Yes... I realize it's long...
I just.... made it that way...

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The red light flickers.
You see a man staring at you from the corner.
It flickers off, then on again.
He's smiling, and you see long, gleaming white fangs sliding ever-so softly against the bottom of his mouth.
A scream escapes your perfect lips.
Off. On.
He's gone from the corner.
You whip your head around,
Trying to find even a small glimpse of him.
Your long brown hair shoots back,
Gliding with perfect elegance through the air.
It rests upon your shoulders as you still your head in the new direction.
Off. On.
You hear a dry laugh,
And slowly look up,
Confirming your worst fears.
There he is, sitting upon the rafters,
An evil, malicious glint present in his eyes.
Off. On.
He jumps down onto you,
Knocking you to the ground.
A gasp gets caught in your throat as you feel his warm breath against your neck.
Off. On.
Your breath hitches, and you half-gasp, half-scream, as his teeth sink into the supple skin above your collarbone.
His lips press down against it,
And he begins to drain your blood.
Your vision is becoming darker,
And the pain in your neck less noticeable.
Your body begins to go numb,
And your mind starts to swirl around in an empty oblivion.
Off. On.
His teeth are gone.
His lips are gone.
You are left within an inch of your life, lying on the cold cobblestone ground.
Your hand is splayed across your chest, clutching a red rose.
A black ribbon is securely tied to it's stem.
You hear a flapping of wings, and then:

"You've left your human form behind,
Where life was hell, and love was blind.
Now, in this vampiristic state,
The only thing you feel is hate.
Drink a human's blood to live,
And for them, no mercy, must you give.
For if you do, I shall come back,
And turn the rose from red to black.
For when it's red, you still have life,
Though living, in itself, is strife.
So if you wish to re-main here,
Listen to me very clear.
Never must you let them free,
Or the ending of us we will see.
So don't forget to drain them down,
'Till they cannot whisper sound.
And mark an "X" across their chest,
To ensure peace upon their rest.
With this now, I'll leave you be,
But among the shadows, you'll find me.
Elizabeth..."

And the flapping wings grew lighter, and lighter in sound, until you couldn't hear them at all.
But as you looked in the shadows of the corner,
You realized he was right.
Two red eyes shone from within the darkness.
But now, only as a memory.
You blinked to regain your focus, but they were gone.

I like it! It's pretty good. It's very, very poetic. You've got some serious talent there! And a respectable vocabulary, nonetheless. =]

I can't say I love just one part because all of it was pretty amazing..


sorry that wasn't helpful..

I like the concept. However, there are some parts that seemed dull to me even though half of it was quite interesting. Also; flow = 0 points.