| Author | Message |
|---|
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 6th, 2006 at 08:40pm The lights are getting brighter.
My heart beats getting faster.
It's getting hard to breath.
My head is spinning faster.
My hands are getting hotter.
It's getting hard to stand.
Get away from me...
I need to get away!
I need to go home..
Get away from me.
I think i'm gunna die..
My stomach's turning faster.
The crowd is getting bigger.
I think i'm gunna puke.
My body's shaking faster.
My breaths are getting shorter.
I think i'm gunna die..
Get away from me.
I need to get away!
I need to go home...
Get away from me.
I think i'm gunna die.. |
Jesse Lacey
Post Whore
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 23946
  | December 6th, 2006 at 09:51pm It's good.
But, when you have a panic attack you don't feel like you're going to die.
Maybe that's just mine.  |
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 6th, 2006 at 11:01pm Thanks  |
TRE IS DA BOMB!!! [Blue]
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 24 | December 6th, 2006 at 11:04pm it's good sometimes i feel i'm gonna die too... |
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 6th, 2006 at 11:07pm yeah i hate when i feel like i'm gonna die when i have one...they arent fun lol |
Misanthropist
Post Whore
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 23279 | December 7th, 2006 at 01:03am I didn't know panic attacks were so common.
Anyway, I didn't really like it. It didn't scream poetry to me, is all. It had some rather unpoetic lines "I think I'm gunna die" being one of them. If you wanted to work with the concept of Panic Attacks, I think it could be done using more subtle lines and detailed imagery rather than blatant...common words. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| December 7th, 2006 at 04:00am FlyingTIGER:hey! thats really awesome!!!
[too young to die]:thats good!
So, yeah, your posts got deleted. See #1  |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| December 7th, 2006 at 04:06am TAKiNGBACKSUNDAY<333:It's good.
But, when you have a panic attack you don't feel like you're going to die.
Maybe that's just mine.
Actually that’s rather common. A person experiencing a panic attack can for example “mistake” it for a heart attack and therefore believe that he/she is going to die. It’s also common to think you’re going crazy when you’re having a panic attack.  |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| December 7th, 2006 at 09:10am You overused the repetition, making it sound quite boring.
Repetition, however, goes well with the thematic of the poem, it's just the way you used it that didn't work out.
You have some spelling mistakes too. |
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 7th, 2006 at 04:27pm Thanks for your honesty |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
| December 7th, 2006 at 04:37pm XxWhatshername666xX:Thanks for your honesty
No problem. Just don't let my honesty discourage you  |
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 7th, 2006 at 04:41pm Nah! I'm glad to hear some advice on it all =] I never right poems lol I just write down feelings so this is like the first poem i've writen and honestly it took me like 5 min. to get it all down haha but thank you for pointing out the mistakes on it so that I can make it sound better |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| December 7th, 2006 at 04:44pm The lights are getting brighter.
My heart beats getting faster.
It's getting hard to breath.
My head is spinning faster.
^ These lines had really great flow.
Otherwise, I'm going to have to agree with Ella and Misanthropist. |
Tre the Cool.
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 1058
| December 7th, 2006 at 04:45pm I really like it! It's almost exactly how I feel when I get a panic attack. |
XxWhatshername666xX
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 12 | December 7th, 2006 at 04:48pm yeah some of it flows nicely but the rest is kinda blah i know lol i need work if i'm gunna write more poetry |
x_X*alyssa*X_x
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 63 | December 7th, 2006 at 05:15pm that was really good, you said/sang they I feel when i have a panic attack. |
Jesse Lacey
Post Whore
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 23946
| December 8th, 2006 at 06:05pm What's in a name?:TAKiNGBACKSUNDAY<333:It's good.
But, when you have a panic attack you don't feel like you're going to die.
Maybe that's just mine.
Actually that’s rather common. A person experiencing a panic attack can for example “mistake” it for a heart attack and therefore believe that he/she is going to die. It’s also common to think you’re going crazy when you’re having a panic attack.
I never had the heart attack feeling, but the insanity, yes. |
