Footsteps of a broken soul (Not AS emo as it seems.)

Footsteps of a broken soul
Coming across my bedroom floor
No time to think, had to react
Feel like I’m in the middle of an act
Act two, and we’re already at the end
There’s no way to defend
Someone pull the brakes
My heart aches
Is there anything I can do for you?
“Who?”
You have no sense of time and place
I can no longer see your real face
The theatrical mask behind which you hide
I miss my friend, in which I used to confide
I can’t help it, I have to know
Was it all just a show?
I stop myself, the chain of thought
I’d rather think about all the battles that we fought
We always won, we will again!
We’ll break the barrier, get rid of the chain
Let’s be free, together, whole
There’s no reason for us to fall down that hole
Of pity, fright and broken hearts
Let’s stay together as Armageddon starts
We can still do this, and you know it too
I know it’s impossible, but we’re one of the few
We figured out the code, it wasn’t all that hard
Nothing will hurt you, I’ll be your guard

If you’ll be mine…


Comments and critique, both are greatly appreciated.

Well, it’s a nice try. You’re wording is good and so is your imagery. A little rough, but it’s a real good start.
I don’t really like it though and in my opinion it’s not that good. It’s ok.
I thought it was too simple, repetitive, lacked flow and contained forced and banal rhyming.
You really need to use punctuation too and you should perhaps divide your poem into stanzas.
I really didn’t like the ending (concerning the form). When you used such a fixed rhyming scheme,
which you’d stuck too so far, you just can’t break away like that. Also you had no stanzas and to
put that little row outside the block of text made it feel very maladjusted and disjointed.

But don’t let this get you down! You’ve got potential! Here are some tips! (Look especially at 1, 3, 4, (5,6), and 9)

Keep writing!