Utterly...Untitled

Okay, I was rummaging around and I found this old poem in my binder so I tried to renovate it. The ending is a bit...meh, but I'd like some feedback on the rest.

so here it is

We dominated,
but in retrospect I know it was
failure,
disguised by our pride
which labels itself as clever.

We parched our own throats,
but continued to live in oblivion.

High fives of self gratification,
our palms splintering.
White against white,
goes unnoticed.

Our eyes would never meet,
but rather
they busied themselves with fabricated reasoning.

The fear of perfection being
crumbled
cramped our faces,
and twisted organs into scar tissue.

Blinded with unconfrontable reality,
the memory chose instead to
stitch itself to fiction.
Until this fragile continuum,
is rewritten.

And just like that, is
untouchable.



So please comment and critique. I need critique. I feel like I'll never improve.

Spelling corrections: chose, not choosed. and continuum, not continuom

Now I loved the structure. I believe the lines were broken off at exactly the right time. Other than that, I'm in love with your metaphors and such.

High fives of self gratification,
our palms splintering.
White against white,
goes unnoticed.

^Um, yah? Love.

Gahhhh

I love your poem Isadora.
It makes me want to wear a black beret and a turtleneck, and snap my fingers every time I hear someone say something profound
Cuz that's how I roll...

So yeah, I lurve it. LURVElove. All I write about is bus drivers. It's true. That's all I write about.

Electrocore Panda.:

Spelling corrections: chose, not choosed. and continuum, not continuom

Now I loved the structure. I believe the lines were broken off at exactly the right time. Other than that, I'm in love with your metaphors and such.

High fives of self gratification,
our palms splintering.
White against white,
goes unnoticed.

^Um, yah? Love.

Spelling fixed, and thank you so much. It means a lot coming from you

MechanicalMan:

Gahhhh

I love your poem Isadora.
It makes me want to wear a black beret and a turtleneck, and snap my fingers every time I hear someone say something profound
Cuz that's how I roll...

So yeah, I lurve it. LURVElove. All I write about is bus drivers. It's true. That's all I write about.

Sarah your poems are OSM and you know it.

Misanthropist:

Electrocore Panda.:

Spelling corrections: chose, not choosed. and continuum, not continuom

Now I loved the structure. I believe the lines were broken off at exactly the right time. Other than that, I'm in love with your metaphors and such.

High fives of self gratification,
our palms splintering.
White against white,
goes unnoticed.

^Um, yah? Love.

Spelling fixed, and thank you so much. It means a lot coming from you

MechanicalMan:

Gahhhh

I love your poem Isadora.
It makes me want to wear a black beret and a turtleneck, and snap my fingers every time I hear someone say something profound
Cuz that's how I roll...

So yeah, I lurve it. LURVElove. All I write about is bus drivers. It's true. That's all I write about.

Sarah your poems are OSM and you know it.

I dont know what OSM means *sob*

MechanicalMan:

I dont know what OSM means *sob*

Off topic

[QUOTE="WhatPsh. WHATEVAH. I live by Off-topic...ness.

MechanicalMan:

Psh. WHATEVAH. I live by Off-topic...ness.

To bad for you that it's against board rules then #9.
You don't wanna get banned do you?