totoro
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 335
 | December 21st, 2006 at 10:10am As she looks into the mirror
Facing the last person she wanna see
She’s trading her fears for drugs and fascination
Keeping her head raised high
Head over water
Trying not to sink, sink deep down
Further down and down until the bottom hits
And crash…
Cause in this house as cold as cold can be
Her body lies there at the bed so tired so dead
Forsaken, alone or whatever the fuck you want to
Is she still breathing?
But yes, her chest is moving
Up and down, the only sign to tell us that
This sign is signing to you that this girl is signing that this girl is still alive
And crash… |
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Jackass
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 1019
| December 21st, 2006 at 02:20pm I Kiss Girls [[Faggot]]:Facing the last person she wanna see
That doesn't sound like you used the right words there. You could put "want to" so it'd sound better.
I Kiss Girl [[Faggot]]:This sign is signing to you that this girl is signing that this girl is still alive
That part confused me a lot. It sounds like there's too much stuff there and I don't know if you really need the word sign so much.
And also, using the word fuck in a poem just doesn't make a poem, a poem in my opinion. I used to have words in that, but when I changed it to a different word, not a cuss word, it sounded a lot better. But you don't have to. It's your poem.
Anyways, not such a bad poem. ^_^ Keep writing. |
totoro
Geek
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 335
| December 21st, 2006 at 02:21pm I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!:
I Kiss Girl [[Faggot]]:This sign is signing to you that this girl is signing that this girl is still alive
That part confused me a lot. It sounds like there's too much stuff there and I don't know if you really need the word sign so much.
It was supposed to be confusing  |
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Jackass
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 1019
| December 21st, 2006 at 02:28pm Oh, well then, good job! XD |
