JOOLS
Addict
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 11676
  | December 20th, 2006 at 09:45pm There's this feeling I can't describe
this notion beating inside of me
So broken down and thrown around
like glass on your wedding day
And I don't see you
I can't tell if you're there
you just don't seem the same
I can't say I know you
I can't say I care.
:/
? |
I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!
Jackass
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 1019
| December 21st, 2006 at 02:23pm Not bad. Not bad at all. The flow was pretty good. Um, do you need a title? Maybe you could have it be "I Can't Describe." What do you think?
The part where you said "like glass on your wedding day" doesn't seem to make much sense. At least not to me.
I think the last 4 lines, mostly the last 2, are really good.
Keep writing! |
tomamazon
GSBitch
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 68084
| December 21st, 2006 at 02:26pm I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!:Not bad. Not bad at all. The flow was pretty good. Um, do you need a title? Maybe you could have it be "I Can't Describe." What do you think?
The part where you said "like glass on your wedding day" doesn't seem to make much sense. At least not to me.I think the last 4 lines, mostly the last 2, are really good.
Keep writing!
I'm assuming thats to do with the Jewish faith?
Hmm, its okay. A little short and it had good flow.
... |
JOOLS
Addict
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 11676
| December 21st, 2006 at 03:38pm Benathy.:I Am So Beautiful! FUCK!:Not bad. Not bad at all. The flow was pretty good. Um, do you need a title? Maybe you could have it be "I Can't Describe." What do you think?
The part where you said "like glass on your wedding day" doesn't seem to make much sense. At least not to me.I think the last 4 lines, mostly the last 2, are really good.
Keep writing!
I'm assuming thats to do with the Jewish faith?
Hmm, its okay. A little short and it had good flow.
...
Umm... if it's the Jewish faith that does that. I'm not Jewish, I really didn't know what religion smashed the glass, but I had heard of it.
Thanks, guys! |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| December 21st, 2006 at 06:34pm GrOuChOnThEcOuCh:
Umm... if it's the Jewish faith that does that. I'm not Jewish, I really didn't know what religion smashed the glass, but I had heard of it.
Thanks, guys!
You really shouldn't write about things you haven't got at clue on. Take a look in the Poetry Tips thread, writing about what you know is mentioned there. 
You're poem is very simplistic and didn't really grab me. It didn't stand out in anyway. So I didn't like it. But it's ok. It's pretty well written, has a good flow and nice phrasing. I'm sure you can do better though! So write and write! |
