DudeO
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 2543
 | December 31st, 2006 at 01:08am Oh sweetheart, stop staring, it's really to much.
Your eyes, they burn an unfillable hole in my skin,
Your making me nervous, so nervous again.
Your making me want to give up, give in.
Oh darling, stop glaring, your gaze is unsteady.
Your giving me headaches, I dont know when your ready
is this part of your game, your twisted duet
of screams- mine of horror, and yours of pleasantry.
Oh honey, stop yelling, I just didnt know.
I didnt know you wanted my love for tonight.
I figured you wanted to beat me, to fight.
So now, as a result, down into nightmeres I go.
Oh loved one, your scaring the shit out of me.
Sometimes you hit me so hard that I cant breath.
And sometimes you'll take me in your arms, never let go.
And thats what keeps me here... your fake loving glow
It kind of sucks big time. But I had an urge to write it. |
What's in a name?
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2451
| December 31st, 2006 at 04:47pm I didn’t like it. I found it way to repetitive and banal. Of course, repetition can be used in poems but a lot of time it doesn’t work out. Also “your scaring the shit out of me.” felt real off. Try to keep to your chosen register (and your should be you’re=you are). But you have a good flow and the rhyming is ok. Keep on writing. |
