PaNcAkEs
Jackass
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 1808
 | January 1st, 2007 at 06:54pm your mind is a complex place
full of radical information
fearless claims
and rebellious beliefs
you're paranoid in secret
frustrated and nervous
on the outside still calm
though you wish to scream
think of the sun as the moon
and vice versa with all your positions
black is white
its so easy to force you into the corner
insanity within
people blame you for everything
all good which instead is evil
they are blinded from what you see |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | January 2nd, 2007 at 06:45am Aaaah. This is the best of the three you've posted. 'think of the sun as the moon' had to be my particular favourite phrase; a simple idea but phrased better than similar ideas that I've seen in the past in other poetry. The first stanza was great - it really drew me in.
The only main suggestion I have is to re-word 'people blame you for everything'. I can't think of an idea yet, but martyr would fit in great somehow... have a play with that, only if you think it would work.
Keep writing. |
