YUZHEN_
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 50 | January 6th, 2007 at 06:28am On The Dance Floor
Noone noticed as she peeled off her dress
Moonlight washed her torso white
So cold, refined, and yet so fresh
Her soul lay pure for all tonight
The music sang its broken notes
As dents formed on the plastic cups
Black their spirits with her blood
Lay limp her body washed in cuts
Her screams echo a thousand miles
As vodka shots slipped through their lips
Drunken memories in their heads
Watched death while slowly taking sips
Stagnant dreams of murdered joy
Fading like before their eyes
Hangover ache intoxicated blur
Life of party turns to die
Masked behind those fake smiles
They always asked for more
The end was far yet so close
She shot herself naked on the dance floor |
Dobbemort_8thHorcrux
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 14
 | January 6th, 2007 at 06:39am :O THAT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME!! |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | January 6th, 2007 at 09:45am I like how you're able to manipulate words into more unusually phrases sentences, and it still has a steady flow. I wasn't so sure of the last stanza; it just seemed a little forced. The rest of the poem flowed like you were telling a story, but that stanza just sounded like random statements.
'Noone noticed as she peeled off her dress
Moonlight washed her torso white
So cold, refined, and yet so fresh
Her soul lay pure for all tonight'.
^That had to be my favourite stanza of all; the imagery was really beautiful.
Overall, I thought it was really great, but it would be even better if you re-wrote that final stanza.
Hope that helps. |
longview_is_my_view
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: -
Gender: -
Posts: 6 | January 6th, 2007 at 03:45pm wow i really understoud were she was coming from and i know how the person u wrote about felt. the poem was really good |
Vanity and Death
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 2129 | January 7th, 2007 at 02:37pm Whoa.
Excellent work, seriously.
(= |
YUZHEN_
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 50 | January 8th, 2007 at 08:12am Thanks everyone (:
And oh Ginger Nuts? I've been really busy so I'll edit that later (:
Yeah I know I'm acting like you ordered me to. Bleh. -shuts up- |
newagecarny
Was Here Two Weeks Ago
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 42495
 | January 8th, 2007 at 09:59am I don't like the way you ended it. |
paper shoes
This Board Is My Home
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34269 | January 8th, 2007 at 11:15am Ellaisonfire:I don't like the way you ended it. ..without telling the person how to improve the ending? |
PhotoBoy.
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 24 | January 9th, 2007 at 01:27pm Ieva Gets Along.:Ellaisonfire:I don't like the way you ended it. ..without telling the person how to improve the ending?
^
Yeah, some kind of criticism would be good.
The ending was a little bit bumby, like Ginger Nuts [how can I write that without laughing ??] said.
The rest of it flowed like a tranquil stream, whilst creating reallt tangible imagery.
The layout was great; easy to read, easy to follow.
The rhyming schemed you used was perfect for this style of poem, + you kept it running well all the way through.
'The music sang its broken notes
As dents formed on the plastic cups
Black their spirits with her blood
Lay limp her body washed in cuts'
The last line of that was simply breathtaking, + that whole stanza was superb.
Really well-written.
Back to the last stanza...
I liked the last line, but the last line looked sorta forced, you know ??
Like you thought of it at the beginning + thought YES I must put that in there somehow...
It was a good line to finish with, though.
Overall, you have a gift me dear.
:] |
