Too Much Eyeliner
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 1297
 | August 14th, 2006 at 01:26am The rain slashes through the cold air
Dead grass soaked to the roots
Trees lean over as water spills
I drive cautiously, slowly
Drive through the empty street
And reach the intersection
Pull forward ratherly quickly
Too quickly for my own good
First I see the lights the car,
Then I feel the pain, see nothing
Opening my eyes, the pain is gone
My seatbelts not around me
Not suffocating my young body
I look down from where I am
And see the wet graveyard
Looking closer I see Daddy,
Mommy, and Sister too.
I see all of my realtives
Wearing black, holding umbrella's.
My family went to the graveyard today
Because I had to die |
peas lover.
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 3502
| August 14th, 2006 at 07:03am You had a good idea, but the song didn't flow that well, but if you re-wrote it it could be awesome. |
Too Much Eyeliner
Jackass
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 1297
| January 12th, 2007 at 06:08pm It's not a song... but okay. |
Ex.Of.A.Freak.-TCD
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 87
Gender: Female
Posts: 5844
 | January 13th, 2007 at 03:14pm I agree with Sarah.
You had a very good idea... but it sorta ended in a weird way.
Try and use some metaphors. And fix the ending a little bit.
Other than that, it's pretty good. |
