Chandramukhi

Chandramukhi

Painted clouds
I see you try to hide
My moon, my dancer
From me.

With the backdrop of
A starry sky
Midnight blue
Oh, how she shines
Like a lover's first kiss--
Coquettish and coy.

And you, sullen grey wisps
Dare you steal her light?
You cannot shade her
Attempt as you might.

Attempt in vain
For she's the wind by her side
Wind to push you away
And my moon, my dancer
She glows softly on,
Illuminating the city night
Through your hideous mask,
Your jealous veil.

Yes, my moon glows softly on.



*bows*
I really liked that. I haven't written a lot about nature or used a whole lot of personification lately. And I guess this is the influence that I get from Rabindranath Tagore and Sarojini Naidu and maybe a little of Gieve Patel. Indian poetry, no matter what language it's in, has a lot of natural images and stuff. I'm proud of myself.

I was supposed to be hanging out my clothes to dry earlier this evening and the moon really caught my eye. It was kind of surrounded by this cluster of clouds and to me, clouds never look real. They always look like something out of a picture.

So critique por favor.

I love it. Then again, I really am a sucker for nature poems. It’s really poetic and you used just the right words to create an atmosphere and an image of this beautiful moon and the jealous clouds trying to hide it. Lovely. The words you use are very basic but the phrasing is awesome (For example: “Oh, how she shines/Like a lover's first kiss-/Coquettish and coy”). Great similes and metaphors. It has a real nice and smooth flow too. There’s just one thing, the repetition of “attempt”. I really think you should replace that with a synonym, especially since they’re so close together. All in all together it’s one beautiful poem . Mind if I print it and save it?

I don't mind at all. It makes me feel all speshul inside.

I couldn't think of a synonym for attempt and I had to write it down real fast because it was just coming to me and I didn't want to lose it.

Good. Oh, but you are special.

Ok, I always write in Microsoft Word so that I can save and edit it later before I post it. Couldn’t you put “try as you might”? Or “endeavour in vain” or “struggle/strive in vain” (if you wanna kept it simple)?

I'm hardly ever a fan of nature poetry.

But this was amazing. 'And my moon, my dancer/She glows softly on/Illuminating the city night' was just beautiful. I'd noticed that repetition of 'attempt' before I'd read Rose's opinion - I think the poem could really benefit if you changed that.

You should be really proud of this.