It's either my wrists. Or your throat. ;)

And I never can.
Stop the endless breathing.
Let us fall into the ground, hearts have stopped beating,
someone wants to fuck.

JUST PICK HER

But I never can.
These words I keep repeating.
Endless sounds all around. Lips have stopped speaking,
Someone wants to drown.

JUST PICK HER.
FUCK.

And I'll get you.
And I'll get you.
And I'll get you.

JUST PICK HER.
FUCK.

Oh I never can.
The songs I keep singing.
The unending sweet sounds. My revenge won't ever be leaving.
Someones gonna die.

you rock <3 love it grrl!! <3

Cookie, you're so talented. I love how you write.

wow.

Thanks!

I don't really like it. It didn't make a lot of sense... especially with the added "Fuck" just thrown in. Your rhymes are cliche and trite. The metaphors that you do have are pretty cliche as well.

I do like how it flows, though. It reads really fast, which I'm assuming is how you want it to go... It creates a bit of panic or something close to it in the poem.

Good start, but you need to work on some things.

wait_what:

I don't really like it. It didn't make a lot of sense... especially with the added "Fuck" just thrown in. Your rhymes are cliche and trite. The metaphors that you do have are pretty cliche as well.

I do like how it flows, though. It reads really fast, which I'm assuming is how you want it to go... It creates a bit of panic or something close to it in the poem.

Good start, but you need to work on some things.

It's lyrics.

It does make a lot of sense to me.
It's about someone wanting to be killed. And people that are going to kill her.
It's cliché because lyrics are always like that.
Classic way of writing them.

No, it's not cliche because lyrics are always like that. If everyone was cliche, then there wouldn't be any new songs.

It is a classic way of writing them, yes, but it's not noticeable. You want lyrics to stand out, right? That doesn't really stand out.

You know what I mean?

Not bad. It was a tad confusing but like you said before, it's not supposed to make perfect sense. A lot of things would be boring if everything made sense. Um, I'm not really sure what to say about it. The whole two sentences in one row was pretty good I thought. And good rhymes. =]

wait_what:

No, it's not cliche because lyrics are always like that. If everyone was cliche, then there wouldn't be any new songs.

It is a classic way of writing them, yes, but it's not noticeable. You want lyrics to stand out, right? That doesn't really stand out.

You know what I mean?

Well from my opinion I think that some of the lines do stand out.

I'm kinda not catching your drift though...

The only lines that really stand out are those that you capitalized, and it's for the wrong reason... There's nothing significant in those lines. They just pop because of

ALL THE CAPITALIZED WORDS.

See? That catches your eye before anything else, but it's not the important thing that's being discussed.

I'm not, in any way, trying to be mean to you. The lyrics really are not that bad, but I feel that they could be much, much better with some more concise metaphors and more body.

wait_what:

The only lines that really stand out are those that you capitalized, and it's for the wrong reason... There's nothing significant in those lines. They just pop because of

ALL THE CAPITALIZED WORDS.

See? That catches your eye before anything else, but it's not the important thing that's being discussed.

I'm not, in any way, trying to be mean to you. The lyrics really are not that bad, but I feel that they could be much, much better with some more concise metaphors and more body.

Lyrics.
The caps are there because they are meant to be loud.
You're looking at the way it's writen, when I'm looking at the meaning of it.
So our opinions will be different.

I agree with everything wait_what said; if you didn't want criticism then you shouldn't have posted it.

Hey, you guys, play nicely.

wait_what has done absolutely nothing wrong when criticising the lyrics (#4).
And Kerplunk Girl is entitled to her own opinion.
You guys can’t “force” Kerplunk Girl into changing, see rule #5 (not saying that you are of course).

#4 When posting a poem you accept the terms above
meaning you’re open to any feedback/constructive criticism on your
poem. If you don’t feel you can take that, use your journal for your poems.

#5 The feedback/constructive criticism is to be viewed
as tips. It’s never something you have to follow. Therefore no one can be
forced into changing a poem/poems or writing style.


Personally I agree with wait_what about the lyrics making little sense and that it feels cliché. Even if it makes sense to you that’s not really enough. You want to say something with your songs, right? But if no one understands them haven’t you failed then, in a way? And wait_what didn’t mean that the way you wrote it, the typical lyrical structure, was what made it cliché. It was your phrasing and word choice she was referring to I believe, and I must say that I agree with her. It’s totally up to you how you want to write but you could at least take into consideration what wait_what and I have told you. And at least I think that the way you write lyrics is almost as important as what you want to say. Otherwise there won’t be any successful communication.

Tabby Daniels:

I agree with everything wait_what said; if you didn't want criticism then you shouldn't have posted it.

I know.
But I'm just saying that I like what I wrote, that's all.
I'm not even upset about what she is saying.

I personaly don't know why people are saying we "arn't playing nicely."
I didn't say she was wrong, I said we have different opinions.

Kerplunk Girl:

I personaly don't know why people are saying we "arn't playing nicely."
I didn't say she was wrong, I said we have different opinions.

Um, yeah, ”people” would be me . You see, I was the mod for this forum before the latest GSB change (and like the other mods that wasn’t mods for the entire board I haven’t regained my “job” yet). You weren’t doing anything wrong at all, none of you. I just didn’t want your discussion to become an argument because of you not coming to a conclusion. Further on I didn’t want a lot of persons getting into a quarrel over this, I’ve seen it happen before and it can get rather nasty. So basically I didn’t want to have to lock this topic. Nothing says that that’s what would have happened if I’d done nothing but I didn’t want to risk it, you know? Hopes that explains it

What's in a name?:

Kerplunk Girl:

I personaly don't know why people are saying we "arn't playing nicely."
I didn't say she was wrong, I said we have different opinions.

Um, yeah, ”people” would be me . You see, I was the mod for this forum before the latest GSB change (and like the other mods that wasn’t mods for the entire board I haven’t regained my “job” yet). You weren’t doing anything wrong at all, none of you. I just didn’t want your discussion to become an argument because of you not coming to a conclusion. Further on I didn’t want a lot of persons getting into a quarrel over this, I’ve seen it happen before and it can get rather nasty. So basically I didn’t want to have to lock this topic. Nothing says that that’s what would have happened if I’d done nothing but I didn’t want to risk it, you know? Hopes that explains it

Yes. That's why I kept saying stuff like, "I'm not trying to be mean..."

I've seen those threads before. I enjoy arguing, yes, but definitely not about people's writings.

wait_what:

What's in a name?:

Kerplunk Girl:

I personaly don't know why people are saying we "arn't playing nicely."
I didn't say she was wrong, I said we have different opinions.

Um, yeah, ”people” would be me . You see, I was the mod for this forum before the latest GSB change (and like the other mods that wasn’t mods for the entire board I haven’t regained my “job” yet). You weren’t doing anything wrong at all, none of you. I just didn’t want your discussion to become an argument because of you not coming to a conclusion. Further on I didn’t want a lot of persons getting into a quarrel over this, I’ve seen it happen before and it can get rather nasty. So basically I didn’t want to have to lock this topic. Nothing says that that’s what would have happened if I’d done nothing but I didn’t want to risk it, you know? Hopes that explains it

Yes. That's why I kept saying stuff like, "I'm not trying to be mean..."

I've seen those threads before. I enjoy arguing, yes, but definitely not about people's writings.

You don't need an explanation.

Everyone has different opinions.
And it will never be settled.
All people like to prove their point.
And every writer likes to defend their work.
I don't really care if no one likes it.