When Black Clothes Say “I’m Trying Too Hard”

When Black Clothes Say “I’m Trying Too Hard”

The only way my blind eyes could see
Was by looking down several inches,
To the level I believed to
Be at the sole of my shoes.

But only he who is without sin should
Be the one to throw rocks.

Self loath then gathered to mock me
Since I had bowed my head down,
Never before realizing
How my ways were theirs.

Like flawed manufactures thrown aside
With only different damages.

The lenses of crying eyes became a mirror
In which I no loner wish to be reflected,
So can I detach my aura
From this merged appearance?

I never noticed how much black fabric
Rubs of on every other color.

My jagged blue jeans suddenly stood out
From the mass of outcasts gathered,
All bonds withered then,
If they ever existed at all.

Shades of mistakes wasn’t deep enough
To leave a permanent trace.

On the highway towards a dead end
I fled at the speed of broken dreams,
Stopping seconds from my fatal collision
And the noises crowding my moth silenced.

The outcry for attention was muted by disgust.
Hypocrisy leaves such a foul taste.

Aaaaaaah, I'm so pleased that you posted this. You know how much I love this; I think that it's very accessible to the audience on GSB, yet is still profound enough to affect the experienced writers here. I especially loved how you were able to question the reader, as well as at the same time putting forward what could've been an arguement for your beliefs.

The title made me giggle, but the poem was absolutely amazing... and serious. I love that. One quick thing, though... The last line of the second to last stanza... is it supposed to read "And the noises crowding my mouth silenced."? Because, moth just didn't make any sense to me...

Anyway, I loved the last two lines. There were so powerful and just tied to poem up so nice! It just... fits perfectly. Awesome

Tabby Delany:

Aaaaaaah, I'm so pleased that you posted this. You know how much I love this; I think that it's very accessible to the audience on GSB, yet is still profound enough to affect the experienced writers here. I especially loved how you were able to question the reader, as well as at the same time putting forward what could've been an arguement for your beliefs.

. I know and it makes me very happy. That’s one goal I had with it so I’m very glad you think so. Thank you, I had some troubles with that in the very beginning and I’m glad that I managed to work it out alright.

<3

wait_what:

The title made me giggle, but the poem was absolutely amazing... and serious. I love that. One quick thing, though... The last line of the second to last stanza... is it supposed to read "And the noises crowding my mouth silenced."? Because, moth just didn't make any sense to me...

Anyway, I loved the last two lines. There were so powerful and just tied to poem up so nice! It just... fits perfectly. Awesome

I admit that it might not be the best title every but I couldn’t really think of anything. Besides, I don’t do the whole untitled/unnamed/nameless thing ‘cause I’m just cool like that . Thank you, I wanted to have a serous aim so thanks. Yes, it is. It’s sort of a metaphor for all the whining from the person in the poem and it’s been building up. Then it’s silenced by his/her feeling/thought of being a hypocrite…If that makes more sense =P

*Bows* thanks. It was actually what I started out with; it was the first two lines I wrote. At first I only had a vague idea what I wanted to communicate but then it all just sort of came together and I could write the poem. So it’s very good that it ties the poem up because that means I succeeded (at least in one aspect).

<3

I love the title. It fits. It fits good. I also loved how you put a form on it, instead of doing freeform, which is waaaay too common here. No offense to freeformers, I happen to be one. But I commend that were able to write with a definite form - quartets and couplets.

"I never noticed how much black fabric
Rubs of on every other color.

My jagged blue jeans suddenly stood out
From the mass of outcasts gathered,
All bonds withered then,
If they ever existed at all.

Shades of mistakes wasn’t deep enough
To leave a permanent trace.

On the highway towards a dead end
I fled at the speed of broken dreams,
Stopping seconds from my fatal collision
And the noises crowding my moth silenced.

The outcry for attention was muted by disgust.
Hypocrisy leaves such a foul taste." I adored all of that.

Thanks . As I said before, it might not be the best title every…but you’re right, it does fit. Thank you. I actually quite like using some sort of form and I (try to) do it rather often actually. I have nothing against free verse either (I write freeform too) but I like to take on the challenge of writing in form. *Bows*

That makes me happy

<3

Bayside:

wow. thats fucking amazing

Thank you =]

i love it

This is... God..

I have always loved how you write... but this.... it's so... I can't describe it...

I'm not the one that should be making critisism, since you're so much better than me, but I have to point this out:

But only he who is without sin should
Be the one to throw rocks.

That didn't seem to fit very well, in my opinion. Maybe you could relate the first stanza with this? Only change it? (yeah.. this doesn't make sense) Try making it relate to a certain peice of the first stanza.

Other than that, I have no complaints at all. The wording, the flow, the spelling... everything is perfect. Except for in this part:

The lenses of crying eyes became a mirror
In which I no loner wish to be reflected,
So can I detach my aura
From this merged appearance?

I LOVED this stanza. Beautiful. Especially the first two lines.

I've read this twice.
And it's an alright poem.
But it's just not in my interest.
I have this thing where I either don't like how people have written something,
but I love the idea behind the poem.

This poem made me feel the opposite.
The poem was written very well. But some of the words weren't contrasting together, in my opinion. If you get what I mean...Maybe, looking at how words contrast would fix it.

And the idea for the poem, isn't a big interest to me, because I'm more interested in death, murder, haunted, blood and so on kind of poems.
I also thought that the way you have written it was more like a narrative rather then a poem, in my opinion.
Like;

Was by looking down several inches,
To the level I believed to
Be at the sole of my shoes.

I just thought you could of worded it differently
It kind of made me not want to read the rest, because it wasn't the best line.
So maybe create something that catches the readers eye so they read on.
But I think I am the only person who thinks that way.

I did read on, and I absolutely love this line;
Shades of mistakes wasn’t deep enough
To leave a permanent trace.

I don't normally read these kind of poems, but I seemed to like yours in a way.

Ponder-ific Bitch:

This is... God..

I have always loved how you write... but this.... it's so... I can't describe it...

I'm not the one that should be making critisism, since you're so much better than me, but I have to point this out:

But only he who is without sin should
Be the one to throw rocks.

That didn't seem to fit very well, in my opinion. Maybe you could relate the first stanza with this? Only change it? (yeah.. this doesn't make sense) Try making it relate to a certain peice of the first stanza.

Other than that, I have no complaints at all. The wording, the flow, the spelling... everything is perfect. Except for in this part:

The lenses of crying eyes became a mirror
In which I no loner wish to be reflected,
So can I detach my aura
From this merged appearance?

I LOVED this stanza. Beautiful. Especially the first two lines.

You’re almost making me teary eyed telling me all those nice things!

Of course you can give me criticism! We can all learn from each other regardless of how far we’ve come in our writing process.

I assume that you know it’s a quote from the Bible (“Let he who is without sin throw the first rock”)? Yes, I’ve read it (or a child version with pictures and all =) and I’m now rereading it (the real version =P) out of curiosity. It’s something Jesus said and it’s a rather well know quote actually. But I realize that the way I put it in my poem, the way I wrote my stanza, could be confusing but I really didn’t know how else to put it. It’s basically saying that the poem-person cannot judge the people he/she had looked down one because he/she was really not that different from them. Does it make more sense and feels less disjointed or do you believe it still could be tweaked?

Ah! But noting is perfect as you yourself discovered . Thanks for pointing that out. It’s of course supposed to be “longer”. (If you read my profile you’ll find, in the very beginning, the reason for those kind of typos.)

*Bows* I’m glad you do. It feels great to ”hear”.

Kerplunk Girl:

I've read this twice.
And it's an alright poem.
But it's just not in my interest.
I have this thing where I either don't like how people have written something,
but I love the idea behind the poem.

This poem made me feel the opposite.
The poem was written very well. But some of the words weren't contrasting together, in my opinion. If you get what I mean...Maybe, looking at how words contrast would fix it.

And the idea for the poem, isn't a big interest to me, because I'm more interested in death, murder, haunted, blood and so on kind of poems.
I also thought that the way you have written it was more like a narrative rather then a poem, in my opinion.
Like;

Was by looking down several inches,
To the level I believed to
Be at the sole of my shoes.

I just thought you could of worded it differently
It kind of made me not want to read the rest, because it wasn't the best line.
So maybe create something that catches the readers eye so they read on.
But I think I am the only person who thinks that way.

I did read on, and I absolutely love this line;
Shades of mistakes wasn’t deep enough
To leave a permanent trace.

I don't normally read these kind of poems, but I seemed to like yours in a way.

Thank you. I’m glad that you can be a bit objective and look at a poem without judging it based only on your emotions and own preferences.

Does that mean that you didn’t like the idea behind it but thought it was ok written? Because that would be the opposite of your previous statement which you seem to be referring to. I think that’s what you mean, right? Anyway, no I’m sorry but I don’t quite understand what you mean with “words weren’t contrasting together”. Could you perhaps explain a little more and would you bother to give me some example of what you mean and perhaps some examples of how things you would think of as an improvement would look like?

I see. Then that would mean that we have completely opposite taste when it comes to poetry then .
How do you mean when you say “worded it differently?” Differently in what way? Could you try being a bit more concrete? =) I obviously caught quite a few readers eyes seeing as I’ve got a bunch of comments. I can’t write so that everyone thinks it’s great and reads on because that’s impossible for anyone but I’d still like to know what you think would have caught the readers eye in a more efficient way. It’s possible that you’re the only one here with that opinion or you’re just the only one voicing it, but regardless every serious opinion does count for something.

Thanks

And I’m glad that you actually sort of liked it even if it’s not your cup of tea, so to speak.

What's in a name?:

You’re almost making me teary eyed telling me all those nice things!

Of course you can give me criticism! We can all learn from each other regardless of how far we’ve come in our writing process.

I assume that you know it’s a quote from the Bible (“Let he who is without sin throw the first rock”)? Yes, I’ve read it (or a child version with pictures and all =) and I’m now rereading it (the real version =P) out of curiosity. It’s something Jesus said and it’s a rather well know quote actually. But I realize that the way I put it in my poem, the way I wrote my stanza, could be confusing but I really didn’t know how else to put it. It’s basically saying that the poem-person cannot judge the people he/she had looked down one because he/she was really not that different from them. Does it make more sense and feels less disjointed or do you believe it still could be tweaked?

Ah! But noting is perfect as you yourself discovered . Thanks for pointing that out. It’s of course supposed to be “longer”. (If you read my profile you’ll find, in the very beginning, the reason for those kind of typos.)

*Bows* I’m glad you do. It feels great to ”hear”.

Personally, I think it can still be tweaked, even if just by a few words. Or maybe altogether. Whatever you think is best. Though, I can't tell you how to write. So do whatever you see fit.

Haha. Yes. I do LOVE that stanza. Perfect wording... flow... image... everything. PLEASE don't change it. It would be murdering a peice of my heart if you did.

I’ll think about it but right now I really don’t know how to change it (the second stanza) to improve it.

I’m not gonna change it (the 5th stanza) . I certainly wouldn’t want to cause you any harm, dear.

Haha. I hope not.

And that's alright. I wouldn't expect anything less.