garrett nickelsen.
Geek
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 122
  | March 18th, 2007 at 03:17pm you're leaving, and i'm watching you go.
as i see you walking, i feel as if you're taking a part of me.
i don't want you to go, and yet i need you to leave.
and now you're gone, and i'm all alone, living, breathing, but i'm dying, deep inside.
you know its hurting, and i just can't let you go.
i need you, i want you, i love you.
and as i watch you go, i now know, i'm better off like this, and now you're gone, and all i know is, im dying, on the inside. |
PONED
Geek
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 257 | March 18th, 2007 at 03:32pm awesome! |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
| March 18th, 2007 at 03:39pm Very cliche and wayyy overdone.
The form is also bad. It just doesn't have any sort of flow to it.
You also have tons of comma splices. Mostly in the 4th and 7th lines. These also hurt your poem. You can convey the same pauses by adding line breaks.
However, THAT many pauses also gives your poem a very rushed feeling that doesn't have anything to do with the topic of the poem. |
