BRAIN_STEW_94
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 4 | March 25th, 2007 at 10:59am As I drown in this pool of blood
My heart and lungs begin to flood
As a dark light consumes my heart
With everything I bare to part
My family and friends, they love me so
But as they say, everyone must go
Into this world, I my mother conseaved
I find too soon I have to leave
And if I die before I wake
I leave no one my soul to take
So in the ground here I lye
Laying here, about to die. |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
  | March 25th, 2007 at 12:58pm Your poem is extremely cliche- the topic, the rhymes, the metaphors, the images...
You also spelled conceived wrong. You also used a wrong word. You lie down, not lye. Lye is potassium hydroxide or something. When you post poetry try to make sure that you don't have any spelling or grammar mistakes.
You don't need to capitalize every beginning word in a line, and it is helpful to use more punctuation throughout the poem.
For tips, you might want to check out the Poetry Tips Sticky.
Keep writing! |
