Storm

I've had writers' block for two weeks. There's something I don't like about this, but I can't put my finger on what.


Twelve forty five. I should have no reason to
trouble you at such an hour. Electricity splits the
skies as- hold me- don't leave me on my own-
please-

I print foetal position against the bed sheets as
light bleeds through the shutters. Violet horizon
yellows under blinding streetlamp glare, before
staining stencilled shape into the mattress.

This bed is a broken continent. I am the capital
of war-torn Europe; drenched in its weather beating
against glass boundaries- but- my cold, soaking flesh
remains dry against your solid touch.

I was four years old. Lost in the pouring rain, hysterical
as lightning- hold me- don't leave me on my own- please-
I was four years old! I never meant to wander so far,
I'm sorry! I never meant-

I forget what I'm running from. My silken nightdress
kisses- no- cries rape around my ankles.
You, my lover; makeshift medication for this hideous
anxiety- I was just four years old!

I've watched you at the window for so long now,
capturing shooting stars in glass jars. Your fingers
are like climbing ivy, lacing celestial remedies into
these fading wrists. Your hands are cold and wet.

There is a survivor of the storm- barely breathing-
only just, but- I am a delicate sparrow hidden in your
cupped hands. I cannot fly- my wings are asymmetric-
I'd scream in agony if it wasn't for you.

I was four years old! I never meant to wander so far,
I'm sorry! I never meant-

For me, the panic didn't really hit until these lines. I actually think it was far more effective that way. Before it had been using metaphors to describe a feeling of disarray, so you got the general feeling, but then it was like WHAM!

Then again, maybe that just had to do with the slower speed I was reading it at.

One other thing:

staining stencilled shape into the mattress.

Something about that line just feels off, but I can't quite place it.

Fuck... I loved it...

I do agree though, with the first comment. That line seemed off.

There is a survivor of the storm- barely breathing-
only just, but- I am a delicate sparrow hidden in your
cupped hands. I cannot fly- my wings are asymmetric-
I'd scream in agony if it wasn't for you

That. That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Thank you guys. I'll have a look at how I could change that line. Do you think it's the alliteration? If I changed a word or two to make it less so?

Panda - I kind of wanted to describe how she could slip into a panic attack. Rather than just focusing on the sensation itself, I wanted to express the complete build up, 'calm before the storm', for lack of a better phrase. That's what I was trying to do, make it hit there and then so it came as a sharp burst...

Then again, I could be talking utter drivel.

Mmhm, yeah, perhaps the alliteration was too much.

And if that's what you were going for, you certainly succeeded because it pwned me.

Would 'inking stenciled shape' work better?

Yeah I think so.

Mmhmm. I think it was. And yes, it would work better.