wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
  | March 27th, 2007 at 04:57pm Your hair is clouds,
floating peacefully in the
summer breeze as the
dazzling sun embraces
your chiseled body. Cut
like the planet.
Not the planet. Our
planet.
We roam
about the deep woods
or desert lands
or mountainous regions like
a bombastic nomad.
Our footprints leave
marks, but those marks
never led anywhere to
those who, justifiably,
needed a warm embrace
and a winter kiss.
Fathers kill their
daughters in our land.
They kill or
sell them like a
horse, a slave.
But you want to rescue me.
I’ll wait for you in the lines. |
FCPSITSGEPGEPGEPanda
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 2921
| March 27th, 2007 at 05:01pm That was really striking, especially the last line. And I'm not sure why, but I really liked this stanza:
We roam
about the deep woods
or desert lands
or mountainous regions like
a bombastic nomad. |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
| March 27th, 2007 at 05:03pm Thanks! |
Inari
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 2538 | March 30th, 2007 at 07:41am This was beautiful. Really powerful, especially the last line of it. I loved this. |
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161 | March 31st, 2007 at 10:30am The only criticism that I have is that
'Cut
like the planet.
Not the planet. Our
planet'
might sound better if you replaced the first 'the' with 'our'. Then you'd be making more of an emphasis on talking about 'our planet'; the repetition would be more effective.
It felt very indifferent in places, which I liked, as if the speaker has seen things like this so many times they don't affect her anymore. Awesome. |
wait_what
Geek
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 411
| April 2nd, 2007 at 04:30pm I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm going to leave it as it is. There's not supposed to be a lot of emphasis on it... Just really subtle.
Thanks for the comment! |
