lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278
  | April 3rd, 2007 at 11:20am Once you read it, you'll know exactly who and what I'm talking about.
Summer Story
This burning, screaming
From deep within my soul.
Have I ever felt
Such desire?
Yes, for none but he.
A dream can't possibly
Be real.
The absurdity of what
I feel.
The mendacity
Of believing I could love another.
There is no other.
Those eyes,
Haunting, beautiful, emerald eyes.
Pure energy
Hypnotic lullabies.
Suddenly, tenfold
The wanting all comes back.
Yes people. I am on my way to becoming a certified stalker! |
lyrical_mess
Falling In Love With The Board
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 5278
| April 7th, 2007 at 02:32pm My poem feels ignored. |
Servatis A Maleficum
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Age: 104
Gender: Female
Posts: 48
| April 7th, 2007 at 08:29pm Ok, well, once I realized who it was about, it was hard to take it seriously, and this is NOT meant to be offensive- I used to do the exact same thing, but about ten thousand times worse...to the same person. Love letters every single night. So, it's okay, don't sweat it. We all had to go through it.
The desire was definitely felt here, but you should definitely add onto it- exaggerate the wanting, the lust, even the passion. It needs to be felt in the reader as they're reading it, even if it does creep them out.
You could have maybe even added to the eye part, everyone seems to write about his eyes. So, elaborate on that. It's possible to talk about them for ages...*remembers last year*
But I really do like it, I just wish it had a bit more detail. Unless, of course you meant it to be shorter and a bit rushed. |
