The Disease

A disease, consuming the minds of the innocent, the
hungry, the forgotten, and the abused. It has overwhelmed,
taken control, of our free will. Our hearts
are singing a low and gentle lullaby while the choir
slowly burns. Angels have their wings while we live among the
dead. Torture--is it not? But sweet, sweet fate
that beckons to us? MIsery is just as sweet as any
of the purest loves that smother our hearts.
Quiet nights, bringing back those who are not only lost,
but also those who have suffered.
Mistaken and precautious staff that have turned into needy
patients are now nothing more then a fellow prisoner to this disease.
Attracted by the beauty we're so desperately faking.
it's hard to be inspired by these mocking creatures that lay
in their hospital beds. So listen closely, grasp each detail tightly.
These words that I write by moonlight are painfully, mournfull true.
And as our voices lower, becoming harsh low whispers,
the tension seems to be growing.
And while our blood thickens and our breathing slows
we drift from this nothing-ness.
Our sould are forever condemed to this disease
that tortures and intoxicates the hallowed
minds that seek a sorrowful relinquishment
to the cure of this most mind numbing disease.
The end to the most beautiful and horrilbe disease
that runs through these glass veins of ours.

This seemed a lot like prose, to me.

That doesn't mean it's bad, in the slightest. This was actually an extremely inquisitive and speculative piece of writing. It's the kind of writing that makes you think, rather than just "OOH PURTEH WRITING" and goggling at the flowers.

However, consider two things.

1) I think the way you formatted and structured the poem was slightly confusing, but that's probably just me.

2) I do think it might have been missing some more colorful imagery, you need to have an even better support to the brilliant philosophical questioning you have in that poem-

"The end to the most beautiful and horrilbe disease
that runs through these glass veins of ours."

^ Such as 'glass veins'- that is an incredibly amazing piece of imagery right there. If you use more phrases such as that, not only will you impress people with your speculations, but also with the way you conveyed it.

I really enjoyed this. =]

^.^ Oh wow....thanx for ur advice....normally ppl just say they liked it...but really what i want is advice...so thanks!