SugarGreen King For A Couple Of Days
 Age: - Gender: Female Posts: 3369 | April 9th, 2007 at 06:37pm I'm riding along
I decide to jump off a
Ramp and it falls down
I'm sliding along
I shove my hand into the
Sharp black gravel and
When I get up there
Is a circle cut from my
Right hand palm it still
Tingles like it did
On that day when I used my
Palm in that harsh way. |
Riot Gurl Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
 Age: 32 Gender: Female Posts: 40
 | April 10th, 2007 at 02:18pm I liked it alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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~ It's like a gallery of someone else's nightmare ~
Billie Joe
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~ Love is not like anything especially a fuckin knife ~ |
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days
 Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | April 11th, 2007 at 11:31am The only criticism I'd give is, riding along what? I thought that spoilt the flow a little, which was a shame because I really liked it. I love conceptual pieces like this. Short and sweet, but could perhaps benefit from some punctuation. |
SugarGreen King For A Couple Of Days
 Age: - Gender: Female Posts: 3369 | April 11th, 2007 at 02:43pm Tabby Delany:The only criticism I'd give is, riding along what? I thought that spoilt the flow a little, which was a shame because I really liked it. I love conceptual pieces like this. Short and sweet, but could perhaps benefit from some punctuation. It is a haiku so I couldn't exactly put anymore info into it and keep the haiku format. |
Peter Petrelli King For A Couple Of Days
 Age: 35 Gender: Female Posts: 4161 | April 11th, 2007 at 05:03pm Oh, fair enough then. I just considered something like 'pacing', or something more descriptive. I'm very slow, I didn't notice the haiku structure. I'd admire people who can write good haikus, short and sweet has never been my skill. |
SugarGreen King For A Couple Of Days
 Age: - Gender: Female Posts: 3369 | April 11th, 2007 at 09:47pm The haiku is about me riding my bike years ago. |