My palm

AuthorMessage
SugarGreen
King For A Couple Of Days
SugarGreen
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 3369
April 9th, 2007 at 06:37pm
I'm riding along
I decide to jump off a
Ramp and it falls down

I'm sliding along
I shove my hand into the
Sharp black gravel and

When I get up there
Is a circle cut from my
Right hand palm it still

Tingles like it did
On that day when I used my
Palm in that harsh way.
Riot Gurl
Shoot Me, I'm A Newbie
Riot Gurl
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

Blog
April 10th, 2007 at 02:18pm
I liked it alot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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~ It's like a gallery of someone else's nightmare ~
Billie Joe

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~ Love is not like anything especially a fuckin knife ~
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
April 11th, 2007 at 11:31am
The only criticism I'd give is, riding along what? I thought that spoilt the flow a little, which was a shame because I really liked it. I love conceptual pieces like this. Short and sweet, but could perhaps benefit from some punctuation.
SugarGreen
King For A Couple Of Days
SugarGreen
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 3369
April 11th, 2007 at 02:43pm
Tabby Delany:
The only criticism I'd give is, riding along what? I thought that spoilt the flow a little, which was a shame because I really liked it. I love conceptual pieces like this. Short and sweet, but could perhaps benefit from some punctuation.
It is a haiku so I couldn't exactly put anymore info into it and keep the haiku format.
Peter Petrelli
King For A Couple Of Days
Peter Petrelli
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 4161
April 11th, 2007 at 05:03pm
Oh, fair enough then. I just considered something like 'pacing', or something more descriptive. I'm very slow, I didn't notice the haiku structure. I'd admire people who can write good haikus, short and sweet has never been my skill.
SugarGreen
King For A Couple Of Days
SugarGreen
Age: -
Gender: Female
Posts: 3369
April 11th, 2007 at 09:47pm
The haiku is about me riding my bike years ago.
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